Columbian Coffee King Juan Valdez was found dead in his coffee bean fields last night. While many thought Valdez was just a caricature created to sell coffee by an American syndicate, he was a multi-billionaire who leaves behind a huge estate and a vast fortune.
Long time associate Ricardo Licon was interviewed outside of the mortuary where the body was taken. "I do not understand this. Juan was a wealthy man; he never had to go out into the fields. The only time he ever even saw his fields was when he flew over them in his Leer jet.
"All of those commercials with him and his burro and a little boy picking beans were just actors. Juan would never dress as a peasant and would surely never do such menial labor as being in a commercial or picking a coffee bean. It was just too far beneath his dignity.
"Now that Juan is dead, I don't know what will become of the thousands of near penniless peons who worked for him. Someone else will have to hire them to keep the rags on their backs. The fields will probably remain unworked until someone decides who will receive in probate, a grieving family member, a greedy judge, or a government sponsored drug lord."
Police believe that the murder may be the work of Columbian drug lords, who may want the fields for growing cocaine. Chief of the Policia, Raymundo Trujillo, issued a brief statement. "We do not know who did this. We are, of course, not accusing the Columbian Drug Cartel of any involvement and will happily not investigate them at this time. We would like to thank them, however, for the nice new uniforms and squad cars that they have donated to us and the nice deposits that mysteriously found their way into our bank accounts."
Valdez leaves behind a wife, two ex-wives, eight legitimate children, three mistresses, and a burro.
In the United States, officials at Starbucks were upset. They all sat in a circle at a table, drank double shots of expresso, wrote really bad poetry, designed new tattoos for themselves, and vowed to give everyone extra whipped cream free for one week in memory of the coffee king.