Vatican City - (Rue Uterus): Pope Ratzinger is said to be suffering from encyclical depression after being dumped by internet satire sites following his well-publicised rant last November that everybody was poking fun at his Nazi origins and defaming his infalliblity to predict winning lottery numbers.
The Pontifical sulk has now entered its third consecutive month and been made worse by the pulping of his topless 2007 Papal Calendar which was meant to be an assured money spinner for the Vatican coffers. A further 50 million copies are expected to be destroyed next month and used as fuel in the Sistine Chapel's central-heating furnace.
And as if things could not get any worse, the Chinese military recently used a ballistic missile to shoot down his Taiwanese-sponsored disinformation satellite after UK cops found that it was the secret communications relay hub of a covert secondary email system used by Tony Blair's IRA appointees in Downing Street.
Source close to the Holy Farter have urged a little winter holiday to shake off those attention-deficit disorder blues. Vacation catalogues for Pontifical Club 18-80 are still brimming with rentable seaside hacienda bargains in the Carribean offering good discounts on swimwear and snorkelling gear sales.
But Papa Ratzi is said to be entrenched in his sulk and has ordered extra supplies of holy communion wine to be delivered to his private apartments, ostensibly for the annual Candlemas Blessing on February 2nd.
However, some insiders say that the real cause of the Pontif's blues may be a surfeit of the holy spirit itself after Vatican sommeliers noticed a rapid and unexpected depletion of Benedictine liqueur stocks - a traditional herbal winter-warmer distilled by monks from a lethal blend of cannabis sativa, papaver sominferum and blood donated by pre-pubescent altar boys from Sarajevo.
The detox from this concoction is legendarily ghastly.