First century bas relief sculptures of Roman gladiators were found by Italy's version of Scotland Yard this week, while digging in the "backhouse" (Italian for outside toilet) of Roman Cardinal Guiseppe Pedophiliano.
Detective Sherlokino Holmesini explained: "I said-a to my loyal-a assistant, Watsongliano, it's-a elementary". The detective was referring to the school grade of the missing children they were searching for on the Cardinal's estate. Anonymous sources led the Roman police to the Church leader's luxurious estate.
The priceless art works display Roman gladiators in all manner of positions and nakedness."These warriors certainly knew how to bring it on", commented ancient art critic Luigi Luridoni. "Every sex act under the sun-Filthy AND Dirty Sanchez, Alpine Alley-oop, 69, 27 and the much condemned square root of 1234567890!"
Police officials believe that it was near impossible for the Cardinal not to know about the presence of these sculptures. "His Grubbiness must have used these images along with filched altar wine to seduce his victims" an anonymous source claimed.
The Vatican immediately transferred Cardinal Pedophiliano to Switzerland to direct the Southern Occidental District of Marvelous Youngsters(SODOMY), a youth leadership camp in southwest Zurich.
Pope Benedict XVI announced that the art work will be reburied until the Church can accept homoerotic acts among the adult laity.