President Bush, in last night's state of the union address, surprised the whole nation when he revealed a plan to buy all of Europe's old, 14th century castles, including Dracula's, Transylvanian castle in Romania, built 600 year ago to guard the nearby city of Brasov from attacks by the Ottoman Turks.
The president said that he was willing to pull out of Iraq and Afghanistan only if Congress would appropriate the money to buy all the castles for sale in Europe, so that he could implement his plan, operation "Middle Ages."
Operation "Middle Ages" is basically an evacuation plan for the American people that would have them leaving America in "Kingdoms" and taking up residence in a 14th century castle somewhere in Europe.
The plan was said to be put in place for security measures.
"We want the American people to feel safe," said US Department of Homeland Security Secretary, Ivan "The Terrible." "What could be more safe than a 14th castle?"
Demographers working for the president said that assignments to "Kingdoms" would be determined by the last four digits of your social security number. 0000-2000 to Dracula's Castle in Romania; 2000-4000 to Eilean Donan Castle in Scottland; 4000-6000 to castle, Châteaux de la Loire in France, and so forth.
Critics of operation "Middle Ages" said that it was not feasible for the American public to do this, sighting barbarism, lack of democracy and fast food, family ties to American soil, European disgust with American food culture and the limitation of public sewage in 14th century castles.
"We would be turning the clock back if we did this," said Gray Apple director of the Institute of National Health and Sanitary Practices (INHSP). "Besides what good would it do to build a wall between us and the outside world when 'something is rotten in the state of Denmark'?"
But investors in the president's plan say that they were looking forward to the possibility of making millions catering to European tourists who actually get vacations and selling wine that is as old as Methuselah from the vineyards and wine cellars of the old castles.
"Think of the possibilities that this has for the theme park industry too," said CEO and President of Walt Disney World, Robert "The Hunchback" Igor. "Americans could just live as 14th century serfs and make millions operating their new home as a theme park for European tourists. There would be no commuting involved."
Backers of the president's plan also said that an additional benefit would be the "shotgun" effect it would have on the American population, spreading Americans out, so that if one castle is wiped out by an enemy, famine, or a potato blight, there would be several others left to attack.
But critics of the plan say that the president is getting his ideas from computer games and that he may be as delusional as William Rehnquist sitting on the Supreme Court bench for 33 years under the influence of Placidyl.
Critics also say that it would be illegal to operate as foreign nationals in one of the EU counties before Americans established ex-pat status and actually became citizens of that country that their castle was in.
Persons who are close to the president say that he was looking forward to his new role as King of Dracula's Castle, sucking the blood out of the American people, and appointed presidential advisor, Carl Rove to offer him a nickname to enhance his image, one that communicated who he really wanted to be. Rove was reported to have looked at the president and said, "Bush, The Impaler."
Congress still has to approve measures to adopt the plan.
In other news tonight, first Lady, Laura Bush is looking forward to her new role as Queen of Dracula's Castle and has ordered all the guillotines in the castle to be auctioned off and carried away in Mayflower Moving Vans.