Warsaw - (Rioters): A colleague-snitching communist collaborator has been appointed to the top Church job in Warsaw after being voted the most charismatic candidate in Pope Ratzinger's little red aintgottaprayer book.
Stanislaw Phygelius - a Bush hybrid with special branch roots in Cold War dirt-digging for the Polish Fascist Party in Exile - was once outed as a sex predator who preyed on peasant children in Poland's Katowice region where he recruited altar boys to peddle narcotic contraband smuggled in church diplomatic pouches from missionary trips to Colombia and Puerto Rico.
Today the Polish Information Ombudsman has told the press that he has seen security files from the days when George Herbert Bush was head of the CIA which show that Phygelius was whoring for him and for organised crime, the KGB, the IRA, the Ancient American Order of the Skull 'N' Bones Osteoporosis Division and the Hellfire Club. "Is it any wonder he got the top job in Warsaw now?" he said.
Other secret papers relating to the rise of the Solidarnosc trade movement state that he was once paid $5,000 via the Hong Kong branch of the Riggs Bank to provide medical proof that subsequent Polish Prime Minister Lech Walesa was the bastard child of Pope Carol Wojtyla, and that he fathered the Dobby-like cretin currently running the Russian Republic known as President Vlad The Impaler Putain.
An inaugural Mass on Sunday will see Phygelius sworn in to his new position in the ancient Komnata Rycerska chapel of Chernobyl Cathedral.