Written by President Bush
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Saturday, 30 December 2006

image for SUV Bomb Explodes Outside DC Starbucks, Saddam Loyalists to Blame?
DC Starbucks customer Jen Lot, finishing that Latte regardless

Iraqi Sumi loyalists, loyal to Saddam Hussein promised to take America out should Hussein hang. Well, according to CNN, Saddam hung. Coincidence, an SUV bomb exploding outside a Washington DC Starbucks? Or cause for alarm should the Homeland Defense Department go messing with those colors on the "terror threat level" meter again confusing us all the insurgents too? DC Starbucks manager Winston Lasiter, his DC Starbucks destroyed by the SUV bomb said,

"The last time an actual SUV bomb (I think it was a Pathfinder) blew up outside our coffee shop was, well, never. THIS blast however not only knocked over our Latte machine but blew a .. heck of a hole in that little box that gives you those extra bonus artificial creamer packets when you put a quarter in."

No party has yet to claim responsibility for the Starbucks bombing leaving some to believe that Iraqi insurgents were not behind the DC bombing but instead maybe a disgruntled 13 year old video gamer who got a PlayStation instead of a Wii for Christmas.

"Only time will tell" President Bush told Americans from the relative safety of his Crawford ranch. Abraham Lincoln, former U.S. president now deceased once said (according to Defense Secretary Robert Gates)

"Slay your tormentors, use their blood as Crimson ink to write the slogans of victory on their mangled and trampled corpses"

Which, apparently President Bush and his new Secretary of Defense plan to do as they escalate the war, send even MORE troops into Iraq to carry out President Lincoln's edict."

Starbucks, subsidiary of Charmin itself a subsidiary of Microsoft released the following statement:

"We suffered significant losses after that SUV bomb blew. We don't know if it happened because of the Saddam incident or not. All we want is a new store, bomb-proof of course and a guarantee that the president won't go hanging any future former Iraqi leaders that's all we as a poor and humble coffee shop ask. And a new Latte machine too of course preferably Mocha."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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