Vatican City (AP) Priests all over the world celebrated as Pope Benedict XVI announced today that Catholic priests will now be allowed to receive fellatio and administer cunnilingus. This is in keeping with the Pope's "modernization" of the Church.
"Celibacy needs to be defined", the Pontiff said in a prepared statement. "I don't think the founders of our Church ever meant to say that priests can't have orgasms. However, priests are still forbidden from having their penis enter the vagina. Celibacy has not been abandoned".
Fr. John McElwyn of St. Johns Cathedral praised the Pope's decision. "Hopefully this historic decision will help sway young people to the church", McElwyn said.
Sister Mary Ellen Ignatius expressed concern that the Pope was not addressing the sexual needs of nuns. "We want some too", the sister proclaimed. "The entire church has been male dominated for hundreds of years."
Seemingly in response to Sister Ignatius request, the Pontiff later proclaimed that the standards that apply to priests will apply equally to nuns. The Pope further added, "Anal intercourse will be permitted but strictly for non-homosexuals. There will be no church restriction on lesbians. But guys on guys just totally weirds me out".
The Pope also clarified sexual rules for the lay members. "There shall be no church restriction on Dildos, Vibrators French Ticklers or other forms of marital aids and sexual enhancement", the Pontiff decreed, "however, condoms are still forbidden". A Pontifical spokesperson said the use of sexual enhancements is in keeping with the Bibles rule of "be fruitful and multiply". "This enables more people to be more fruitful and do more multiplying" the spokesperson said.
The Pope admitted that he enjoys having his feet kissed and sees little difference between that and a full fledged blow job. His Holiness explained that it is important for priests to be able to at least partly relate to the lay believers.
Some long time parishioners were skeptical of the Popes success. "How is he going to enforce the part about keeping the penis out of the vagina?" asked 53 year old stockbroker and daily churchgoer Richard Merullo. "This is all just a crock of shit".
The Pontiff was in conference with Sister Ignatius and not immediately available to comment.