Residents in a north Raleigh neighborhood celebrated their first annual Beaver Pageant yesterday. The pageant was put on to draw attention to the problem of beavers taking over subdivisions,terrorizing occupants and building their homes out of code from North Carolina standards. Last month, The Spoof magazine reported on the problem of beavers in a north Raleigh subdivision.
Pageant participants dressed as beavers, in full Paris, beauty pageant style, walked down a make-shift runway, turned around and walked back. Participants were also required to participate in a tree-felling contest, a breast stroke race across a frigid lake, and a beaver swimsuit and wet T-shirt contest. Scores were averaged to determine winners.
A spokesman for the neighborhood beaver association, Beaver Cleavage said that they were not impressed with the human's follies, and, in response, would be doing their own version of the human beauty pageant where they would dress up as skinny humans. The beaver spokesman didn't say offhand which humans would be emulated, but did say that Britney Spears, Angelina Jolie, Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton would definitely be in the running. Pageant participants were said to have already begun fasting to prepare for the event.
Bob Dylan, in an effort to call national attention to the beaver problem, said that he would be changing the lyrics to his song, "Leopard-Skin Pill-Box Hat" to "Beaver-Skin Pill Box Hat" and doing a remake of "Boots of Spanish Leather" to include lyrics for his new song, "Boots of Canadian Beaver Skin."
Canadian officials concerned about bad publicity that the beavers would receive as a result of the new songs said that they would counter by stepping up production of their beaver nickels and closing down Canada's oldest running business, The Hudson Bay Company. Apparently, at one point in the company's history, it made so much money from the beaver fur industry that they added four beavers to their coat of arms in 1678.
Beaver Professors were also said to be hired by the Canadian government to serve as adjunct professors in Vancouver Universities Department of Civil Engineering. The beaver professors would be used to step up expertise in an already significant program and help the university system to modernize. Apparently, the university system has not had a major revolution since the Middle Ages.
"Frankly," said department chair, Jacques Cousteau Jr., "beavers make the best damned dams in the country. We want to emulate them."
But beavers across Canada said they were skeptical of the human's ability to comprehend the beaver's complex structures and sense of aesthetics.
In addition to being reckless stewards of the land, "humans are just not creative enough," said beaver spokesman, Linus Pauling (Oregon State University Beaver Alum and winner of two unshared Nobel Prizes).
"They want to build everything the same. They see a hillside and will just plop anything down on the space without taking into consideration natural aesthetics, or lines already present in the land. They are also very anal about measurements and have to measure and level everything perfectly before they will secure anything into place. One the other hand, we beavers are artists and intuit much of what we do. We are inspired by every placement of each stick. One thing that you can say about our structures is that they definitely look like they belong in that space," he said.
Beaver professors said that they were also concerned that they would not be able to use the human's bathroom facilities at the university, but offered to redesign them to better accommodate the beaver's eliminatory systems.
Other famous beavers (from OSU) include the first American's to climb Mt. Everest, Two recipients of the Congressional Medal of Honor, Two Oregon governors, the father of the computer mouse, the inventor of the artificial heart-valve, Betty Crocker and the voice of Disney cartoon character, "Goofy."
A spokesman for the beaver association said that an effigy of France's King Henry IV would be shot at the pageant for his role in the beaver trade during the 1600's.
Bob Dylan was still on the golf course with his cell phone turned off and was not available for comment about his new songs.
In other news today, Britney Spears joins the cause of the beavers and offers her wares to be poster child for the new beaver movement, but insists, along with Paris Hilton that she is not a beaver herself.