BAGHDAD - The Defense Department has recruited hundreds of American carnival "geeks" to instill courage in the fledgling Iraqi Army, according to U.S. military sources.
A geek entertains his audience by biting off the heads of live frogs, chickens, or other creatures. The typical Iraqi is terrified at the very idea of decapitating a frog or chicken with his teeth. Doing so both instills and displays courage, the military sources said.
"The importance of the geeks in training and inspiring the Iraqis is hard to overestimate," said one American colonel.
Geek influence was on display this week at a military ceremony in Najaf Province. Iraqi troopers stood at attention before U.S. Army Major General Kirby Reigert and local tribal chieftains. At the commands of a sergeant major, the Iraqi soldiers went through a variation of the Manual of Arms: "Right shoulDER FROG! PreSENT FROG! BeHEAD FROG!"
All told, the soldiers bit off the heads of 1,417 live frogs, 574 live chickens, 135 live snakes. Troopers also cut open the abdomens of 75 live rabbits, 67 live puppies, and 51 live kittens, gnawing out and swallowing the still-beating hearts.
"It is an extraordinary step forward in security," the general told the assembly, according to Reuters. "This display of bravery shows these Iraqi soldiers have the fortitude to face the insurgents in battle, fight them toe-to-toe, and prevail, imposing peace. Thank God for geeks."
Naked Pamela Anderson, an animal rights activist, had no comment, nor did Naked Paris Hilton.