'ucking 'em Palace, London - (Ass Mess): The Lord Chamberlain Lord Luce-Cannon has confirmed disturbing reports that Queen Elizabeth is frantic with worry over ancient Biblical prophecies coming home to roost on her Yuletide doorstep after Hellfire Club de-coders confirmed that the latest high tech-aided interpretation of the Book of Kings showed the anagram for Winter Solstice is 'SS Erection Wilt'.
Then a double-whammy of omens occurred when the Polish Fascist Party declared the return of Monarchy to their shores after the country's Parliament voted overwhelmingly to offer the Crown to the Duchess of Cornwall after tracing her lineage to Blackshirt investors in the country's Nasdaq-quoted national fungus pickling industry.
In a telegram to Windsor Castle Monsignor Tadeusz Pierogi, a senior bishop and rectum at Krakow's Papal Academy of TheoConnery, advised Queen Elizabeth II of the move and confirmed that Camilla's DNA samples had passed the all-important litmus test of a positive match with SS traitor Von Ribbentrop, Soviet ex-President Nikita Khrushchev and grand paterfamilias Rasputin.
The Royal Physician has now been called out in an emergency move to up Her Maj's sciatica medication after fears that the Solstice tidings may have pushed her over the edge in what is already a frail run-up to the annual Xmas bash at Sandringham this weekend.
Readers are warned to stay tuned.