ISIS enlisted a top public relations firm yesterday to help them achieve their long term propaganda goals in the hope of remaining relevant in a world inundated with other radical groups vying for the same terrorism headlines.
"Allah told us to update our international persona in order to remain connected in a very crowded terrorism landscape," said ISIS Vice-President of Media Concerns Ibrahim al-Asiri Omar Shishani al-Abdul Rahman al la Tasty Shish Kabob while ordering ISIS business cards from Vistaprint. "And we hope the infidel PR Firm we hired in America will help us achieve that goal. Otherwise," he added, "we will cut their heads off, God willing."
Accepting the ISIS PR challenge head-on is Naomi Fineman, the CEO of Fineman & Associates, the world's largest Image Management firm, and she already has a detailed plan to help ISIS reshape their worldwide perception.
"We believe the concept of 'terror' must continuously adapt to the world's evolving notion of what extreme radicalism is," Miss Fineman said while writing a press release for the Taliban. "So in regard to ISIS, their carnage will be be synergized across the Internet because terror victims expect an empowered role with the
extremists they interact with..
And when that integration is in place," she added. "..Fineman & Associates can successfully have ISIS reach their communication goals with a brand of terrorism that really gets people talking..
And that's why we had Donatella Versace design a new suicide vest for ISIS", Miss Fineman went on to say. "A 'stand-up-and-take-notice' waistcoat that allows the terror group to make a bold fashion statement right before they blow up a location - all while ushering in a new era of social engagement via a stylish brand of martyrdom."
In response to the new media campaign from ISIS, other terrorist groups have launched their own PR crusades: Hezbollah will use 'Data-Driven Analytics' to better understand the values of the people they kidnap, Boko Haram will employ 'Strategic Media Engagement' to improve the fear algorithms of their torture techniques and the Arab League to Destroy and Eviscerate the Northern Territory of Egypt (otherwise known as Al Dente) will achieve 'Immediate Target Recognition' by live-streaming their mortar attacks on Facebook.
But in an tragic turn of events, the Madison Avenue offices of Fineman & Associates in New York City were bombed and leveled yesterday, likely by ISIS in response to the PR firm's inability to produce immediate results for the terror group's 'Business + Social Purpose Strategy', and the hopes of finding Naomi Fineman alive were quickly dashed when her heavily damaged Hermes Bag was found on an elevated train platform in the Bronx.