Written by King David
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Sunday, 17 December 2006

image for Gays Unite Jews, Muslims and Christians
It's mainly due to those damned, communist universities - Fever

It was deja vu in Durham today for gays who organized a gay pride march through city streets. In a strange turn of events similar to what happened back in November of this year in the city of Jerusalem, gays ended up turning the table and uniting three religious groups that are normally at each other's throat. Christian, Muslim and Jewish protestors banned together to condemn the marchers, calling them "heretical sexual deviants".

"If God, or Allah, or Yahweh would have wanted us to be gay," said pastor, Jim Fever, "He would have made us all that way."

But critics of the protestors criticize the "one size fits all approach and say that we are struggling with something that is much deeper than gay rights. We are struggling with the image of the South: Will we be pluralistic and tolerant and democratic, or a bunch of rednecks still pissed off for losing the Civil War?"

Durham is actually considered a relatively liberal city compared to the rest of the state. In the last presidential election, North Carolina, as a state, voted decidedly "red," although Durham and the rest of the Triangle area is considered a "blue pocket of liberalism."

"It's mainly due to those damned, communist universities!" pastor Fever exclaimed. "Those bastards put ideas into these folk's heads that just can't be shaken loose. Pastor Fever was referring to theories such as evolution, "the big bang theory" and the notion that technology is going to save us from ourselves that have become so popular over the last century.

"I have yet to see a robot that can love me like my wife," pastor Fever continued. "Furthermore, ain't no machine gonna replace those Mexicans and all the hard work they do for us. Them damned universities got sons turned against they fathers, daughters turned against they mothers and women turned against they husbands and everyone turned against they preachers and they religion! I hate education!"

After that one, Pastor Fever had to be helped up off the floor. What Fever seems to be frustrated about is all the change that has been going on in his community.

"We don't like change around here," he said. "We were taught by our fathers to fear communism and that's how we like it. Without anyone around to blame, we would have to kick our dogs, but we don't want to have to do that," Fever continued. "It's easier to blame people like them for all our problems than it is to look at ourselves."

"How do you think our savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, came to be in the first place? It wasn't through some goddamned Jello mold!"

Pastor Fever was seen kicking a can down the road he was so angry.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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