Written by Marion Morris
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Tuesday, 7 March 2017

Tom, from Scotland, has lived in The Netherlands since 1972 and has a Dutch wife. With Brexit looming, and maybe having to leave the Netherlands, Tom is prepping himself to live back in Scotland.

It is time for the reporter of the world famous weekly newspaper The Posthoorn (chosen by 75% of their readers as their favourite alternative cat litter) to go to Tom's local pub see how Tom is doing. He finds Tom at the bar putting ice cubes in his beer.
"Sorry, I'm too upset to wait till my beer from the microwave is lukewarm, I do need a beer, NOW!"

What happened? "My wife told me that on Fakebook some losers go around saying that they have hacked my e-mails. These so-called losers trumped up a story about me having secret contacts with Theresa May in which she asks me to stop writing about my Brexit prepping, as that could stop foreign people investing in the UK." And why should she be so upset about your prepping? "Well according to this fake story Theresa said foreign investors do not want to drink lukewarm beer or eat intestines and are already upset about driving on the wrong side of the road or queuing for a deep fried Mars bar." Tom shakes his head: "They also write she promised me a 2-room council flat in Bradford when the times come to leave The Netherlands. Bradford is the best worst area in the UK. Okay, I would not say no per se, but Bradford? If ever there is proof this is fake news, this is it."

His wife, waving around her 6th Calvados said she warned Tom of there being Bad Hombres on the Internet: "I told you to build a firewall." "What the fuck has Mexico to do with my hacked e-mails" Tom angrily asks.

This reporter tries to calm Tom down and promises he will write that Tom did not stop prepping. "Oh, good, you tell those people out there I will even put more time and effort into my prepping." You do seem to spend a lot of time in the pub though, will that not effect your good work? "I get my best ideas in the pub, how your mind and waistline expand after a few beers, it is amazing. We preppers have the pub in common. When after 10 beers you realize that you are on your own (his wife nods her head knowingly) and that you should be prepared for the return to where you came from. I keep hearing the same from my fellow Brexit preppers and the other preppers from Italeave, Czechout or even Latervia. It is so true."

Anything else Tom is doing at the moment? "No, at the moment I'm so upset with this fake news, it takes up all my time. I was in the proceeds of making a Prepper's Bucket List for myself. You know things you would never do as a Scotsman but the Dutch have no problems with." And what would be on this list? "Eating authentic Dutch food (have not found it yet); order a coffee in a Dutch coffeeshop (light up); not queuing in shops or getting on a train; drive my old bike through red traffic lights and frighten the shit out of other commuters; discuss the weather all the time with other people discussing it all the time; in company being blunt and direct about my bathroom habits, my wife's hair cut, a friend's 'do I look fat in this dress or am I too gay?' not giving a round in the bar because I forgot my wallet (yeah); wearing wooden clogs and eat a raw herring and of course getting truly pissed once more on cold Heineken beers for the last time."

This reporter feels this list could be longer, but that is for the next interview. Any last thing Tom wants to get off his chest? "Not really, I do not have much hair there. I just hope I can continue the good work, the alternative facts won't change that."
This reporter says his goodbye and leaves the pub pondering the alternative facts.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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