MEXICO CITY - The Mexican government said today it was rushing army and police units to its northern border to slow a stampede of desperate people and animals fleeing the United States.
"What began as a trickle is now a torrent and will soon be tsunami," President Felipe Calderón told reporters. He called on Party of the Democratic Revolution (PRD) leader Andrés Manuel López Obrador to cease questioning the legitimacy of the recent election and rally behind the government.
The opposition leader refused but dispatched 15,000 supporters to the border to help to keep invaders at bay.
Calderón attributed the crisis to President Bush's disastrous, unraveling administration and panic among citizens north of the border as the Iraq civil war spread to major U.S. cities.
The refugees, Calderón said, can be categorized as follows.
Dry backs. Americans who wind surf across the Rio Grande or pay Mexicans to carry them over or who ford the river in expensive SUVs. An estimated 20 million dry backs are now working illegally in Mexico. They will be jailed and deported once they are caught, he said.
Acceptables. Roughly eight million undocumented Mexican nationals who were working in the United States and fled home. They will be detained until their true nationalities can be established, Calderón said.
Retreating invaders. Fire ants, killer bees, armadillos, scorpions, Pantagonian tooth fish and other vermin that came originally from Mexico, Central and South America to torment the USA. Calderón warned that the Mexican army and border police will use force to keep these creatures in the United States. He demanded that the U.S. military to stay well back from the border.
Paris Hilton Naked, Britney Spears Nude, Linday Lohan Bare-Breasted. Mexican police vowed to shoot the three "in the name of our national culture" if they try to set foot in Mexico, but not before they are thoroughly interrogated.
Calderón said Mexico plans to build an electrified fence on its long border with the United States. Right-wing volunteers known as The Vigilant Ones Not Partial to American Citizens of Anglo Descent (Los Vigilantes Que Odian Bastardos del Gringo de Yankee) are helping the left-wing PRD and the Mexican army patrol the border.