Written by Marion Morris
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Sunday, 5 February 2017

Tom, from Scotland, has lived in The Netherlands since 1972 and has a Dutch wife.

With Brexit looming, and maybe having to leave the Netherlands, Tom is prepping himself to live back in Scotland. As the reporter of the world famous weekly newspaper The Posthoorn (chosen by 75% of their readers as their favourite alternative cat litter) spent his Xmas vacation in Scotland he is eager to share his experiences with Tom.

He enters Tom's pub, his wife and friends sit at a table in a corner of the pub, Tom is in the pub's kitchen to prepare his beers in the microwave, he sees the reporter and waves: "Och, crakin' tae see ye! Hauld yer horses till ah hae a heavy duin 'n' ah wull come ower tae speak tae ye."

This reporter is speechless. What happened to Tom? Did he have a terrible cold affecting his voice or even worse: a stroke? Surely people communicated like that in the Dark Ages?

"Na dae nae worry, a'm trying tae speak scots again. A've bin practicing a lot in th' lest few weeks."

His wife, waiving around her 6th Calvados: "It is has been a disaster, we cannot communicate anymore. I do not understand a word he says."

"True, bit mah lee is muckle easier noo. It keeps th' chat tae a minimum" Tom says sipping his beer.

This reporter protests and says nobody talked like that to him in Scotland.

Tom shakes his head: "Aye in th' tourist places thay nae blether lik' that, bit gang tae oot o' th' wey places 'n' this is th' wey thay blether."

The reporter says he liked Scotland, however it was very cold and grey, raining all the time. Tom nods his head. "It always reminds me of Summer Holidays. We visit the beaches and after some hesitation dived in the water. Did you see the Polar Bear Plunge on New Years Day? It was like that for the whole holiday. It helped that in those days we wore hand knitted bathing trunks, otherwise it would have felt much colder."

Any more prepping Tom has done in the last month?

"Actually not very much, I had hoped for a soft Brexit, but as you know May wants a hard Brexit and than Trump stepped in making things worse. Though he said the USA would import Haggish and black pudding again after a 20 years ban of beef because of Mad Cow Disease. I heard Trump even thought of a slogan for the sale of black pudding: Black Pudding Matters. Do you think he ate some during his past visits to Scotland, as he sure sounds a bit mad to me."

"I do seem to get more followers at the moment and not only Brexit preppers. I had preppers sending me mails fom Grexit, Departugal and Beyegium hoping I could advise them what to do. I keep telling them first start with the things that are really important like wine, beer and liquor. Than focus on the secondary matters like leaving the wife behind or your kids, loosing your house or job. Just keep focussed on the most important things first."

This reporter says his goodbye to Tom and hopes to see him soon.

"Aye ah hawp tae see ye soon tae 'n' then we wull hae a few beers" Tom says. The reporter puts his coat on and is ready to leave the pub as Tom suddenly calls out: "Oops, keep edgy that dug is pissing against yer bits."

This reporter has no idea what Tom says but rushes home to change his wet shoes. Luckily spilt beer does not leave any marks on Hush Puppies.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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