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Monday, 23 January 2017

image for Scientists reject test results - mildly volatile protest ensues
Before the Sh*t hits the fan.

Tests carried out by scientists at the LHC in Geneva had been predicted to consolidate the theories of relativity and quantum mechanics into one grand unified theory of everything. The holy grail of modern science.

At a conference on Monday the worlds physics community awaited the results with baited breath, the atmosphere was palpable. After a 45-minute explanation of the findings the atmosphere had already turned riotous.

Professor Gothisonewrong, finished the conference amidst flying chairs, apologising for the results; 'we thought this experiment would unite our two great theories of the universe, instead, we seem to have divided them even more.'

Some scientists stayed seated and just cried, the way a mother cries when their eldest goes to university, some reacted with anger. A doctor of quantum fluctuations for the university of Manchester who did not wished to be named said, 'We are all fucked now, this result was never in question, it was always going to unite the two standalone theories of our time, instead we have this abomination, this disease of a result. It's clear we either need to abandon science or keep doing the experiment until we get the result we want, we need.'

Some had a more pragmatic approach to the results, a young lab technician said 'this is everything I've dreamed of, the divide between relativity and quantum is too great to be bridged by one theory, scientists that work on quantum should just not mix with the others, we are just too different, we think too differently it's like we are separate species.'

As the news spreads across the scientific community protests continue to grow. It has been reported that at least 57 science students took to the streets in Bristol, destroying everything in their wake. A wheelie bin was turned upside down (it was fortunately empty), and several shop fronts were covered in invisible ink.

We are still awaiting a statement from Prof Cox at time of press.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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