Written by Derrick Patenaude
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Topics: Vampires, goth, gothic

Tuesday, 17 January 2017

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Last Friday began like any other day for Goth guy James Vendurbuen, a vegan breakfast, an hour long shower, two hours of hair and make-up and an hour of self-loathing. But what happened during his typical wait at the bus stop was far from typical. He was confronted and murdered by 18 year old Steven Setenbourn, a self-proclaimed vampire-killer guy.

In an affidavit suspect Steven Setenbourn claimed that "the 1980's movie The Lost Boys made him realize that he was designed to rid the world of blood sucking vampires" and that when he saw goth guy James Vandurbuen waiting at the bus stop just past sundown he thought, "it was on for sure."

One eyewitness stated, "I saw a guy in a jean suit, feathered hair and pump-up Reeboks with the tongue hanging out come walking up and drive a wooden steak right through this goth guy's chest."

Corporal Chris Weelking was the first officer on the scene. "When I pulled up the victim was lying on his back with what appeared to be Cory Ham from the Lost Boys movie straddling him and probing his mouth with his fingers. I drew down on him and ordered his hands up, at which point the attacker turned to me with a puzzled look on his face and said, His fangs, where are his fangs?"

Vandurbuen died instantly after the wooden steak pierced his heart. Setenbourn is facing life in prison.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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