Well, it didn't take long for Donald Trump to begin building the "Great Wall of Mexico". One hour into his first term of office in which he declared himself DICTATOR FOR LIFE we were shipped off from our humble little shotgun shacks and mobile homes way, way up here in Flint Mich., down to the Rio Grande to begin building that monstrosity.
"Go easy there on the cement boys. Try to make it last as long as you can," some cowboy wearing a ten-gallon hat said to us as we began hauling the cement sacks to build the first of the wall smack dab in the middle of that serpentine mess of a Lone Star State tributary.
There were a few Latino girls on the other side of the river - the Mexican side - carting around 25-foot ladders. They had a little stand - like a kid's lemonade stand - perched near the ladder that read: TWENTY-FIVE FOOT HIGH LADDERS FOR SALE OR RENT - MAKE US AN OFFER, WE'LL MAKE YA'ALL A DEAL!!!
Since it was late January 2017, it was cool but not cold. Swimming around in the river was refreshing and it was a lot like those fun, sunny, beautiful days as a kid, when I'd visit the old stripper cut down in the Ole Appalachian Holler, get stoned out of my mind on 3.2 beer and dog paddle to my heart's delight. I don't know how many of my young friends I buried from drowning way back then, but the funerals were okay. There were always really good "eats" at the after-funeral parties for those unlucky stiffs.
On the river bank, the cowboy wearing his ten-gallon hat cracked his bullwhip and shot his .357 magnum in the air. "Ya'all just watch that river now. There'll be no lollygagging 'round dese ha'er paaaaaarts," he snarled.
I guess he was the yard boss. He was slightly a bit larger than a midget or a dwarf but he carried a nasty whip and a nastier handgun. The Trumpenfuhrer told him to use the whip first, then the hand cannon, if any of us workers got out of hand.
High up on the river bank, there was a 60 foot-by-60 foot billboard - roughly the same size as the four Presidents on Mount Rushmore in South Dakota, of the Trumpenfuhrer perched way up on a hill. Trumpenstein had his arm around Vladimir Putin and a warm and cozy smile covered "The Donald's" hideous orange face. A streamer at the bottom of the sign read DONALD AND VLADIMIR WILL MAKE AMERICA HATE AND GRATE AGAIN!
From the corner of my eye, as I tried to lay the bricks down on the bottom of the Rio Grande while silly-puttying down some cement between them, I saw some Mexican men carting over another little stand. They were carrying it to the riverbank on the Mexican side of what was to be our sloppily assembled "fence". There was a sign on the stand that read: RENT OR BUY YOUR SPADE SHOVELS HERE! MAKE US AN OFFER WE CAN'T REFUSE!
Out of curiosity, I swam over to these men as they placed their little stand on the river bank and asked why their sign was in English rather than Spanish. It would seem that the sign should have read ¡ALQUILA O COMPRA SUS PALEJAS AQUÍ! ¡HAGA UNA OFERTA NO SE PUEDE RECHAZAR! and not RENT OR BUY YOUR SPADE SHOVELS HERE! MAKE US AN OFFER WE CAN'T REFUSE!
So a big guy with a bushy mustache, a jolly round face, a big belly, and a sombrero gave me a big smile and said, "Oh, amigo mío, eso es simple. Es para todos aquellos pobres sots que saltaron el río en el lado americano para convertirse en inmigrantes ilegales mexicanos después de Trumpenstein fue elegido como su Presidente." And translated to English, this means "Oh, my friend, that's simple. It's for all those poor sots who jumped the river on the American side to become Mexican illegal immigrants after Trumpenstein was elected as your President."
"And is that why the ladies selling the ladders also have their sign written in English?" I asked the friendly fellow.
And he replied by saying "Exactamente. El muro debe ser construido a 21 pies de alto, y con una escala de 25 pies, cualquier estadounidense que erróneamente y al azar saltó el Río Grande para salir de la ciudad de Dodge, América, puede escalar fácilmente la pared, con al menos cuatro Pie de sobra. Incluso una viejita muy isiado y con demencia no debería tener ningún problema con tal hazaña con sus pequeños pies." And translated from Spanish to English, this means "Exactly. The wall is to be built 21-feet high, and with a 25-foot ladder, any American who erroneously and haphazardly jumped the Rio Grande to get the hell out of Dodge City, America, can easily scale the wall, with at least four foot to spare. Even a little old lady all crippled up and with dementia should have no problem with such a feat with her little feet."
"Is it really all that bad living in Mexico?" I asked the amiable chap.
And he replied by saying "No no no del todo. Toda esa pizca de que México es un lugar terrible para vivir es sólo una mentira proliferada por Faux News, la CIA y un político despiadado como su Gropenfuhrer. Nos divertimos mucho bebiendo limonada, agua y, a veces, cerveza, rompemos pinyadas y siempre es tiempo de fiesta abajo aquí. Las chicas son bonitas, somos un temor de Dios, no un diablo que adora a la gente, y cuando no podemos arreglar un problema, ¡solo lo ala!" And translated from Spanish to English, this means "No, no, not at all. All that gunk about Mexico being a terrible place to live is but a lie proliferated by Faux News, the CIA, and ruthless politician like your Gropenfuhrer. We have a lot of fun drinking lemonade, water, and sometimes, beer, we smash pinyadas and it's always party time way down under here. The girls are pretty, we are a God fearing, not a devil worshiping people, and when we can't fix a problem, we just wing it!"
So my first day on the job building the Great Wall of Mexico was also my last. I swam to the Mexican side of the Rio Grande and happily became an illegal alien to Mexico.