Written by pinkwalrus
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Friday, 21 October 2016

London, UK-The Ecuadorian embassy issued its first statement explaining their decision to halt internet access to Julian Assange, WikiLeaks editor-in-chief.

"Julian Assange resides with us at the embassy since June 2012. Ecuador granted him political asylum indefinitely. He faces extradition to Sweden to face sexual assault charges, which could ultimately result in extradition to the United States.

We have been willing and gracious hosts for four years. But now it is time to draw the line on what is an abuse of our hospitality.

Many people have mistakenly thought that we removed Julian Assange's internet access because of the role WikiLeaks has been playing in the 2016 U.S. presidential election, feeding the U.S. hacked emails unflattering to Hillary Clinton.

We speak now so the world will know the truth.

Julian Assange is not an ideal houseguest.

Cutting off his internet access seemed the only way we could get his attention.

We supply him with a studio apartment including a bed, desk, shower, treadmill and kitchenette. We would like him to show it more respect.

Here's our list of requests. If he meets them he regains his internet privileges.

  • Please keep dirty clothes off the floor of your room. It is embarrassing when we have guests.
  • Please wear headphones when listening to heavy metal music
  • Please also wear headphones when watching explicit movies.
  • Please do not order pizza or Indian takeout in the middle of the night.
  • Please pay your portion of the utilities on time.
  • Please bring your empty vodka bottles to the recycling bins yourself, housekeeping is tired of them."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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