Written by mikewadestr
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Topics: God, smiting

Friday, 7 October 2016

image for God Enraged Chik fil A is Closed on Sunday
I'll have fries with that.

God woke up last Sunday with one thing on his mind: a nice hot Chik fil A chicken sandwich with a large fries and a large coke. To his dismay he soon found out all Chik fil A locations were closed on Sunday in order to give homage to the Almighty himself.

Actually the Supreme Being wasn't just dismayed he was out right enraged so much so he contacted the manager of his local Chik fil A and demanded him to open up and serve him a delicious chicken sandwich platter. Unfortunately for the store manager he refused and God, in a fit of rage, smit him on the spot with a 10,000 LB weight which he had borrowed from Monty Python.

After coming to his senses and realizing what he had done, God first started to giggle and eventually fell into knee slapping laughter.

"That was great!" Cried out the Almighty. "I haven't had so much fun since the Old Testament. I flat out forgot just how fun smiting people was. As a matter of fact I think I'm going to spend the day going on a real bender and smite as many people as I desire. Hell, it's not like Jesus is a kid anymore. He's all grown up. He'll understand. Who knows maybe if I run into him we could do a father-son smite bonding session".

And a bender God did go on. Being extremely drunk and agitated he immediately smit anyone who would not grovel in his omnipotent presence sending a cavalcade of toads upon them.

When he wasn't smiting people in the street he was having fun gaming a bartender at one of the pubs he visited. After receiving a quadruple shot of whiskey from the terrified and trembling bartender he would butter him up by asking him if he would like a big tip from the Almighty. When they relaxed, smiled and said "yes" God would smite them with a herd of bear traps laughingly crying out: "That will take a bite out of your tip jar".

Apparently, the only people God did not smite were traveling life insurance salespeople who God felt were actually performing a heavenly duty.

As of press time God was seen hanging around the Vatican trying to get the pope to join in on the fun.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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