Written by Monkey Woods
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Topics: Murder

Tuesday, 4 October 2016

image for Murderer Told He Will Not Face Jail
The sky blue shows ant murders, the darker blue, slugs

A man who, it has been claimed, is responsible for at least 1,000 murders has been told that he will be spared a prison sentence because all of the victims were ants.

Moys Kenwood, originally from Hull in East Yorkshire, has admitted that he has killed somewhere between 1,000 and 1 million ants, mainly by squashing them with his right index finger, or with the soles of his feet. He also remembers a time in his childhood when he poured boiling water from a kettle into an ants nest'.

Kenwood's girlfriend, Sawon, however, has advised him that he is safe from prosecution whilst he is alive, that is.

Said the Yorkshireman:

"She told me that ants don't matter, and neither do other small insects."

Buit Kenwood is now experiencing a guilty conscience. He said:

"I'm now experiencing a guilty conscience. Scientists tell us that all living creatures evolved from the same source. If that's true, where in the developmental stages of humans and ants did humans start to matter, and ants fail to start mattering? I believe, if the science is correct, distinctions between species and their relative importance have been founded on dodgy ground. A killing is a killing. It's a life being snuffed out. It seems, however, the Law of Nature will allow it - at least whilst we are alive."

Kenwood's childhood neighbours have said that he also used to 'play cricket' with bees and wasps when they deliberately landed on his Mam's flowers.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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