"Well, I bought the painting a couple of weeks ago at a garage sale over on Glen drive" explained 56-year-old Martha Flanagan amidst the throng of neighbors and pilgrims in front of her home on Kenmore rd. "I thought it was a nice colorful painting of a handsome young man that would be a nice fill in for an empty spot on my living room wall."
Since then this "fill in for an empty spot" has attracted the eyes of thousands of curiosity seekers, religious fanatics, and speculators.
The attraction started when a neighbor, Mrs. Hurley from next door stopped by for coffee.
"I come in the house, I look, I drop to my knees and pray" said Mrs. Hurley. "Martha, I said to my confused friend its Jesus Christ!"
"and that's when I realized it also, I nearly fainted" said Mrs. Flanagan.
After phone calls were made and pictures posted on social media it did not take long for the tranquil bedroom neighborhood in Bucks County to be overwhelmed with cars and people. Mrs. Flanagan hired an events manager to coordinate.
Party, Party, Party Events president Sherman Fluke worked with the township to set up barriers and line coordinates to keep the crowd moving at a rapid pace so all can "gaze upon this miracle" said Mr. Fluke.
At ten dollars a pop with nearly a hundred thousand people expected this week alone Party Party Party Events and Mrs. Flanagan stand to profit handsomely from this miracle.
I asked for assistance from world famous Biblical debunker Alan Thatch. Mr. Thatch first came into prominence by debunking the Shroud of Turin by claiming "It is not a shroud, it's a robe!"
As soon as Mr. Thatch laid his eyes upon the picture he announced:
"well of course it looks like Jesus, it IS a painting of Jesus! There are thousands of these throughout the world- "
At that precise moment Alan Thatch was shot in the head from a pistol in the hand of Party Party Party events president Sherman Fluke.
"I was cleaning my gun" shouted Mr. Fluke "hey, shit happens!"
And there he sat at the kitchen table with gun in hand, gun oil on table next to cleaning rod.
"But why are you cleaning your gun?" I asked.
"To prevent buildup of fouling residue" he explained "you obviously don't own a gun"
There were enough witnesses and evidence there to corroborate Mr. Fluke's claim so a sheet was thrown over the body of Mr. Thatch and the procession continued however the price of admission had gone up to twenty dollars.
when asked why the price had jumped Mr. Fluke stated "there are now two attractions, the Miracle Painting That Looks Like Jesus and the dead guy on the floor"
"Isn't that price gouging?" I asked.
"did you know I have more guns to clean" he replied.