Written by joseph k winter
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Friday, 23 September 2016

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Banking CEO's under assault via Phoneutria fera, the wandering banana spider

A sudden onslaught of Phoneutria fera, also known as the Wandering Banana Spider, has swept over the banking industry.

This species is particularly virulent with males, by causing painful priapic seizure, or the onset of a monstrous ongoing erection. No relief is possible.

White House analysts have pinned the attack on Vladimir Putin as somehow having recruited this arachnid from Brazil.

The spider's assault has moved on quickly and viciously from the moment of its arrival amongst a bunch of unwashed bananas in the kitchen of Wells Fargo's chief executive, John Stumpf.

Global security experts are stunned that this creature is apparently singling out the banking industry for its assault at top executive levels.

On Tuesday Mr. Stumpf acknowledged responsibility for a scheme to defraud millions of account holders with phony accounts, false fees, and threats from collection agencies.

For this fraud, Wells Fargo has been fined $185 million. Top executives do not face criminal charges, and remain secure with their bonuses.

Meanwhile, Phoneutria fera has moved on to threaten executives of hundreds of banks throughout the world.

Latest reports indicate that next in priority to Wells Fargo it is hunting those CEOs associated with the financial problems of Greece and Puerto Rico.

In Brazil, this spider roves the jungle floor, so how it acquired a mission to target world bankers is being theorized by some religious analysts as ira ex deus or "the wrath of God."

Due to the spider's peculiar attack in stiffening the male organ, the afflicteds' physical reactions are immediately noticeable.

They adopt a strange shuffling walk and hunched over posture, and some use a ballooning overcoat style which covers protrusion from their forward quarters.

Mr. Obama himself is reported nervous at the White House, with a tendency to whirl at shadows, according to a well-placed White House aide.

Due to failure to act on the 2008 financial crisis, Mr. Obama and other politicians may be nervous they are seen as complicit, hence also targets.

Mr. Stumpf has not been attacked at this time, although continuingly on guard.

But panic stands nearby at the ready, as with what happened yesterday.

Ms. Carrie Tolstedt, supervisor over the phony accounts, and due to retire soon with a 100 million dollar or so bonus package, was seeking conference with Mr. Stumpf at Wells Fargo Headquarters.

As Ms. Tolstedt entered Mr. Stumpf's office, he was standing at the water cooler with his briefcase under his overcoat and clutched between his legs.

This caused what looked like forward protrusion swelling. His hands were busy with paper cup and tap.

Screaming, Ms. Tolstedt ran away through a door. Medics were summoned.

From his hospital bed later, Mr. Stumpf stated his erectile function was normal, but his heart was still thumping badly.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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