Russia declares war against China.
Iran declares war against Iraq.
Israel declares war against Syria.
Italy declares war against Macedonia.
Turkey declares war against Germany.
Australia declares war against East Timor.
Japan declares war against America.
Pakistan declares war against India.
America declares war against Russia.
Ireland declares war against Mull of Kintyre.
Angelina Jolie gets divorced from Brad Pitt. Brad says: "Damn. I regret this, of course, but it will make me a better actor. I have always wanted to star in movies about failed marriages."
Pink poodle strangled by drunk in Copenhagen.
Nun attacked by serial rapist in Cardiff. Second nun who came to her rescue in critical condition.
Altar boy robbed at knife-point in Paris.
Blind nine year old girl kidnapped in Finland.
"It is not true," says media mogul Rupert Murdoch that we are daily scouring the world looking for emotive crimes against the innocent in order to promote the New World Order Gay promotional agenda. Seriously, go tell it to the Jesuits."
Ex-Pope Ratzinger converts to Islam. "Never wanted to be Pope in the first place," he confesses.
"There is no life on Mars", declares man claiming to be Martian.
"Donald Trump is a clone," states CIA defective. "There are three of them."
Stephen Hawking becomes Born Again Christian.
Failed Muslim suicide bomber Mustapha Shagg recounts near-death experience. "I was promised 72 virgins. I got 73... all ugly. Don't go there brothers."
Evolutionist Richard Dawkins wishes his head to be frozen at death. His wife insists on it.
England's Grand Lodge Master "Hiram Firem" was yesterday found strangled, stabbed and poisoned... and lying in a fetal position clutching a Robin Williams video at his Wiltshire mansion. Foul play not suspected.
Celebrity Defamation lawyers Schillings of London want "freedom of speech" written out of the British constitution. "Legally, it is unconstitutional," claims manager Keith.
Virgin who own Australia have put in a bid for the moon. "This is just the beginning," says Branson. "We hope eventually to build up a planet portfolio."
Branson himself is said to be orchestrating a balloon 'accident' so that he can advertise "Virgin Beer" from his hospital bed.
J.K.Rowling has sex op. "I was always a man", she says. "I was just too shy to say so. Dumbledore is me! How could you have missed it?" She has dismissed rumours that it is a bid to be awarded a knighthood because she has been consistently passed over in the damehoods list.
Rowling's alleged 'discoverer' and literary agent - shy and retiring Christopher Little - incinerates himself outside Coventry's Masonic Hall. Reasons unknown. "He did not age at all well," said his confidante, Morticia Pilfer.
Upon hearing the news Barry Cunningham, Rowling's first 'editor' has drunk himself to death. "He and Chris were so close you could not tell tell who was who," said his estranged wife. "Even their handwriting was identical."
America claims new super-bomb. "It will destroy everything," said spokesman, "except, money, beautiful women, booze, beaches and Miami."
Ghost of Jimmy Savile spotted at Edinburgh Boys Scout camp.
Adolf Hitler to be granted posthumous Nobel Peace Prize.
Woody Allen releases record; "Jung at Heart".
Iceland, one of the most depopulated place on the planet, is to reduce marrying age to nine.
UK: Westminster is to lead the world in outlawing satire. Anyone guilty of derogatory expressions in word or image may face imprisonment. Editor of thespoof.com is currently in hiding. Possibly in the Ukraine... or a pub in Dublin.
Tony Blair sighted on a yacht off Cannes. "Really suits the beard," said an eye-witness.
New strain of owl discovered in Alaska. To be named after Cherie Blair. The "Bohemian Cherie" is now the largest owl in existence.
UK: New fifty pound note to feature Harry Potter in drag.
Lourdes Miracle. A pink prosthetic arm has appeared among the crutches hanging around the grotto of The Blessed Virgin.