Umberto Puzo, Brazil's secretary of finely formed tushes is recommending an immediate end to all exported exotic dances and prostitutes to the United States unless American Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte is extradited for questioning.
President Obama, normally unfettered by foreign persuasion had this to say. "The United States does not take lightly any threats to our citizens, our economy, our way of life, but to think of Washington D.C. without a fresh batch of exotic Brazilian poontang for lobbyists to lube the machine, well it's just not imaginable"
The president has ordered a massive manhunt for Lochte who has gone into hiding presumably at the bottom of a large pool somewhere.
Seven term Congressman from South Carolina Harley "All Night" Sumner suggested "If we don't find this guy soon…well I have no reason to continue to serve my nation." This sentiment seemed to reverberate through the Capitol where Congressmen and Senators were beginning to panic, cleaning out their desks and saying goodbye.
However there seems to be a glimmer of hope on the horizon as the president offered Greg Louganis to the Brazilians as a replacement. Mr. Puzo has offered that "this is something we should consider"
Meanwhile in a show of friendship, Mexico has offered to step up its exportation of exotic dancers and prostitutes at which the president replied "Are you serious?"