Following today's revelation that former Soviet contact Dmitry Kovtun fell into a coma after testing positive for polonium-210 poisoning the National Security Agency reluctantly told Americans "the bad news first". During a 12 minute radio speech NSA officials revealed that every human being on Earth now has at least some trace of the deadly radioactive element flowing through their bloodstreams.
"Dang he's good" President Bush said during his daily speech to the nation (referring to the supposed ex KGB agent behind all the recent polonium-210 poisonings)
"Good indeed" the Pentagon agrees if one lone KGB agent can somehow come in contact with and infect all 6.7 billion people on the face of the planet.
"Santa Claus and Rudolph can't even pull THAT one off can they Laura?" president Bush jokingly told a crowd of reporters when asked to comment on the demise of civilization as we know it today.
Donald Rumsfeld, one of the first U.S. government officials to experience symptoms first reported the inability to say the word "Zebra" without coughing up phlegm. Upon further testing by White House physicians doctors began treating Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice for the inability to visually differentiate between red Gucci slippers and black Ralph Lauren boots.
CNN's Sanja Gupta urged Americans to not panic about their deadly polonium-210 poisoning pointing out that in 2 cases out of 1000, the outcome is NOT, repeat NOT fatal. Gupta went on however to point out that survivors may experience some hearing loss, the inability to achieve (or de-achieve) full sexual arousal, fainting spells, brain spasms, complete loss of all motor coordination, taste bud disruption, prickly sensations in the nether regions and the inability to recognize their own reflection in a mirror without the aide of a teleprompter.
"All minor side effects from polonium-210 but at least you're still alive. Until the poison kicks in and you REALLY start to feel the effects."
Russian president Vladimir Putin again denied allegations that he himself was behind the actions of the ex KGB agent who poisoned the world going so far as to in a televised speech say,
"I .. (cough) .. the Republic of .. (cough) (cough) (Pute) (Cough) .."