Written by thomas o'hanlon
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Topics: Food, Birds

Sunday, 7 August 2016

image for Seagull Asks Beach-goers to Provide Nutritious Snacks
KAK!

In a press conference on the shore of Piney Beach NJ Fred the Seagull stood at the podium and implored "I have called this conference to ask people to please be more careful with the food items you bring to the beach, many of us pipers, seagulls, and osprey are developing diabetes, clogged arteries and high blood pressure from devouring the salted processed carbohydrates that you insist on munching on while sunbathing"

"Mr. Seagull?" interjected a reporter

"Please call me Fred The" replied the Seagull "yes, your question?"

"Shouldn't this press conference be more about the fact that you are a talking bird?"

"That is a story for another day" replied the Seagull "now, I would like to talk about what diabetes does to the wings of middle aged birds, it renders them useless and what good is a flightless bird? I have a list of acceptable snacks that we would like to see appearing in the beach bags of visitors, tuna fish, no mayo whole wheat bread, sardines packed in oil or water, herring, shelled clams- "

"Fred the?" another reported stood up "A talking bird is one thing but you speak perfect English and appear to be the product of a fine education, are there other birds like you, have humans helped you?"

"Please" replied the impatient bird "Let's keep focused here, the point is this: if seabirds die out, the minnow population will increase dramatically, which in turn will increase the blue fish population which will bring a tenfold perhaps twentyfold increase in sharks!"

"Fred the" hollered a reporter from the back row "you must have had intricate throat surgery to construct a voice box, care to share where this surgery was performed and by whom?"

Fred the Seagull suddenly rose off the podium and glided into the crowd of reporters, emerging with a family size bag of barbecue chips, he coasted back to the podium "Fine!" he shouted as he devoured the contents in between hollers of "kA! KA! KA!".

"If you insist on ignoring this warning then go on and continue your eating habits but when your family is eaten by sharks don't come crying to me!"

"Fred the? Do you have an agent?" shouted a colleague "I have a brother in the business and he can get you on Kimmell and Conan!"

"KAK!" shouted Fred the Seagull as he lifted off and darted toward the horizon, ending the press conference while the gathered reporters spread out over the beach chasing down pipers and Osprey for additional comments.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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