Sources claim that Australia is to be "moved" so that it can align with a global set of satellites thus making it easier for the government to track our movements via your GPS.
Back and to the Left news understands that the plans to move Australia "2.8 miles North" will be brought into force early next year. The plan entails attaching over 70million outboard motors to the Southern end of Australia and switching them all on.
The resulting thrust (which experts believe will be the same as 200million porn stars simultaneously moving inwards) should be enough to propel Australia through the water at a rate of 0.2m a year. The expected tidal wave that the outboard motors will wash over New Zealand and drown most of the Lord of the Rings country in a matter of moments.
New Zealand has registered its complaint but with the Aussies being the Aussies they haven't paid a blind bit of notice.
Tom Debong head of the Institute For Moving Australia With Outbound Motors said:
I understand that there has been environmental concerns about the plan. I can address those by saying, don't get your knickers in a twist. If your precious "Great Barrier Reef" is so great then I'm sure it'll move out of the way rather quickly. If not then it's no smarter than that kid I ran over last week. Cretin.