Satan was as ever resplendent and in buoyant mood as he made his way to his throne at London's Coventry Masonic Hall. J.K. Rowling who had used the hall for her Harry Potter film post-premier celebrations was in attendance to introduce him.
Satan: "Thanks Joanne, now Potter off like a good, little girl." (The audience laughs. Helen Mirren comes to escort her from the stage).
Satan: When we have finally succeeded in convincing the idiots that you actually wrote the stuff we will make you a Dame."
Satan, looking remarkably like Martin Sheen, did a brief foot flurry before he sat down. There was loud laughter from the audience who read the gesture as a contemptuous comment on the recent passing of the immortal Muhammed Ali who was no friend of Satan's.
"Well, it has been a good year. Sheeple who tune into our BBC World Service (laughter) are now convinced that a puppy that has been stolen in Helsinki last week is of their utmost 'personal' concern while the death of four hundred refugees, men, women and little children from a capsized boat off the coast of Crete is none of their business. "It all Blows Over" is my most favouritest line. (Laughter). Anybody not from Japan remember Hiroshima... apart from Barack? There you go! Yes my children, drop your little bombs because... (He stands up and raises his arms as the select band of the planet's most powerful people do likewise... and they all incant...)
Audience: "It will all blow over!"
Satan: "I taught that to the Jesuits. It is the most crucial aspect of our beloved dialectical process as many of you know. I made sure my son Karl left it out of our book. Thesis to antithesis to synthesis... to World War 2 (Laughter). And thence to... ?"
Audience (shouting): "It will all blow over!"
Simon Cowdell: "Please, Your Greatness, can I make a record of it? I can get Madonna. I can get our friends at the Tavistock to build a whole new electronic beat around it. We will call it "Frap" or something for the sheeple. I can hear it already. Please?"
Satan: Of course, you can, my son.
"We have replaced human affinity with programmed televisual sentiment. Poor little Finnish puppy, poor little Iranian orphan, poor little Delhi prostitute. (Laughter)... "let me cuddle you"... before I switch channels and fetch a beer from the fridge. (More laughter). How the sheeple get their flowers-and-hearts feelings all warmed up in their Boyscout-Anglican-Catholic holy identities by television. I need humility, I really do. (Laughter). So effective, it is. Ah... the Americans, how bonded they are to things, to time and space, to insecurity, fears, self-abuse, sex, illusions and money. Isn't it just wonderrrrfulllll? (Laughter).
On the Home Front, our friends in Westminster London are getting ready to rearrange power sharing in Northern Ireland. Nice try Sinn Fein... but, come on! We did feather your nest for many years, let's be fair. And we did tell you that you had free rein. Your city councils are practically nothing now but your reception desks. How many houses, tourist hotels, pubs and rackets do your gallant 'warriors for the people' own... on an "industrial wage"? (More laughter). How many would you own without ME?
In America, our main selections for the White House are neck and neck. The sheeple get to choose between two crooks... and here's the funny part... that they KNOW to be crooks. Who's a clever boy?
Audience: YOU are!
On the media front our position is invincible. All 'know' now that anybody who can ride a camel three thousand miles away or more is a serious danger to America and always will be, as George made abundantly clear with 9/11. (Laughter). Has anybody gone to jail over it?. (Loud laughter). No... seriously, who is going to jail them? (Louder laughter). Dialectics. "It'll... all together..."
Audience: All blow over! (Laughter).
Now, we have all the justification we need for droning, bombing wherever we want, whenever we want. And that is where the real money is. Every bullet fired must be reconstituted, likewise every missile, plane, tank, ship and dead soldier. War for that reason is the biggest money spinner of all... And money, as you all know, means power. Do we sacrifice our military base of Israel to the Arabs? Perhaps. We have successfully shackled many countries to dollar debt so that we can wage war against them at the drop of a hat and made our US President Obama emperor of the whole world for that purpose. The noble intent of the Constitution to make sure that no individual especially a president would ever have such power has been rendered the infantile idiocy it always was. Poor old George Washington... what a dreamer! (Laughter). We owe China two trillion dollars. "Chasing the dragon", I call that (Laughter). Dem "ugly greedy Jews, dem ugly Arabs... will soon be dem ugly greedy Chinese. (Laughter). More films, media broadcasts to that effect are required. Always bear in mind that our target is the American people. We have conducted a long drawn-out experiment to see how far we can push them. The limit has now been reached. Given Obama's brilliant "Executive Orders" that is as far as you can go without inviting them to join hands and commit mass suicide. (Laughter). Now, let us find out the pragmatic difficulties involved in wiping them out so that the New World Order... MY WORLD... can come into being. We have been preparing for this since we nailed Jesus to the cross. Do bear in mind, my humble servants, that our big day, the Summer Solstice of June 21st is fast approaching. Now, I know some of you have have run ahead and picked Johnny Depp as my next sacrifice. And we have already discredited him for the purpose, just as we did with Michael Jackson, but I like the little sod and can think of many uses yet for him. So, let us find somebody else. Please put your nominees in the suggestion box as you leave.
Avanti! And here is a toast to the Obamas. Here's to you Michael and Barack! We march on now to relentlessly implant gender-bending in the young. Mass psychological confusion is the royal road to our ultimate victory. A toast to our future World Government, the Committee of 300!"