Written by Auntie Matter
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Wednesday, 25 May 2016

image for The "World's Greatest Vagina"... up for Grabs
A Different Pussy

At an auction in Sotheby's London, a photo of what experts describe as "the world's greatest vagina" was unveiled. Dubbed "The Source" media coverage at the auction was global. However, owner of the vagina was not named and speculation is rife; but it is thought to be that of a well-known pop diva. Bidding was frenzied with owners of the Eisenhower Tunnel (Colorado, USA), Saatchi and Saatchi and actor Bill Cosby just losing out.

The vagina is rumoured to have been bought by a Japanese consortium for fifty-seven million dollars via a phone bidding rep. It comes complete with authentication papers and smear tests. As owners of "the world's greatest vagina" the consortium has exclusive copyright and uses thereof. What exactly they will do with it is anyone's guess; but their spokesman, golfing tycoon Ho In Wun said it is "rykeree we will have it deep frozed when its owner dies."

Rumours are circulating that they intend to have it placed beside the head of Timothy Leary, also in deep freeze. Such rumours cannot be dismissed lightly. A spokesman for Alcor that holds Leary's head in cryonic suspension said; "It is certainly what Timothy would have wanted. So that when he wakes up the first thing he will see is something he is very familiar with."

American artist Jeff Koons has been commissioned to have it cast in bronze in a limited signed edition of sixty-nine. Harland and Wolff shipyard in Belfast Northern Ireland has already been selected for the job. That is the yard that built the ill-fated Titanic that was in fact "The Olympian" sister ship. The owners of the Titanic Museum deny this flatly. The Titanic was mysteriously sunk, at night, by an iceberg. Just like many Japanese businessmen who have had the misfortune to marry frigid wives.

The first of these "ground breaking" bronzes is already being touted as next year's Turner Prize winner and is, according to celebrated Masonic artist and friend of Koons, Damien Hirst, "likely to win for its profound commentary on the emptiness many people experience around the world who are not rich and famous like me and Jeff... and who do not believe, as we do, that the destruction of all meaning, culture and art as we know them is a vital contribution to the progress of the New World Order."

The exclusive owner of the vagina is currently unavailable for comment but has issued a statement saying that since the sale she has insured the vagina for over a hundred million dollars. Some say, she is simply playing hard to get. When asked about the prospect of having her vagina "laid to rest", so to speak, beside Timothy Leary's skull, she is reportedly to have responded; "Well,... like is attracted to like... always."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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