Written by DontCallMeShirley
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Monday, 23 May 2016

image for New Government Study Shows Old Government Study was a Waste of Money
Monkey Cheating at Poker

A recent government study just concluded that the previous government study was a complete waste of money. Government scientists previously conducted a study on the gambling habits of monkeys, to see if the monkeys copied other monkeys betting habits. The hypothesis was monkey see, monkey do.

The study concluded that monkeys make the same bad gambling decisions that humans do, although the research indicates that they are still more responsible then your average Congressman.

When studying the findings of this first study scientists realized that they could have given the monkeys bananas to gamble instead of $500,000 in cash. They also discovered that half of the monkeys from the initial study were also blind.

Scientists were shocked at how much taxpayer money they were able to waste on the initial study. Top Researcher Noah Lott admitted, "The fact that the government actually gave us half a million dollars to use to study monkey gambling habits is bananas. If we wanted to study a bunch of baboons gambling recklessly with other people's money, we could have just gone to a Congressional budget meeting."

Members of Congress reassured the scientists that the government wastes tax payer money all the time on frivolous things. Encouraged by this news scientists applied for a grant of five million dollars from the national science foundation to study the prevalence of racism among arctic monkeys.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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