Written by Auntie Matter
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Thursday, 12 May 2016

image for School Magazine Shut Down
Waddafuck do They Mean?

In an unprecedented move Pfennigs the notorious law firm of London who protect their clients from 'defamation' have moved on The Sacred Heart Girls Secondary School in Hull, England.

The students published a letter in their weekly online magazine called Truth or Dare.

A letter to the editor that got star billing on the front page claimed that J.K. Rowling was a "liar".

Pfennigs who represent Rowling wasted no time in contacting the editor Jenny Strunks telling her to "remove the offending letter", and "to print an apology that will be dictated by us." .

They then contacted Google to put pressure on them to remove all links to the school's magazine from their search engine.

Pfennigs have since declared that nobody mentioned in recently released The Panama Papers, "has been, was, used to be, has been cited or warranted to have been or be, can possibly be, alleged to be, or alleged to have been, can be said to have cited to have been, rumoured to have been, stated to have been publicly or privately, or can be said to have been or be associated with the possibility of, or alleged possibility of, actually being or alleged to actually be or have been on this planet or any other planet known or alleged to be known in the known universe or any other possible or alleged to be possible universe or any other universe, as it is currently known or alleged to be known, a "client of ours".

They conclude possibly or allegedly that action will be taken on The Sacred Heart Girls Secondary School and an apology be printed in the school magazine "in a prominent position to our and our client's satisfaction". Failure to do so may result in the demolition of the school by a nuclear warhead.

Those of you not familiar with card games of gamesmanship in general may find it difficult to comprehend any of this. If there are any Harry Potter fans among you who have managed to read thus far, award yourself with a golden wand and then seek psychiatric advice should you find any of it unreasonable... or possibly unreasonable.

Make Auntie Matter's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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