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Sunday, 17 April 2016

A new law which became effective today makes it compulsory for all Australian adults to consume more alcohol. All adult citizens must now drink at least two litres of alcohol per day. The quota can be made up through the consumption of alcohol drinks of the person's own choice. The legislation requires that the containers of all such drinks now show clearly the actual quantity, in millilitres, of alcohol contained in the drink so that the drinker is able to maintain an accurate record of his/her consumption. Everyone is required to keep an account of their consumption for inspection by appointed inspectors. It is expected that everyone's consumption record will be inspected at least monthly. There will be penalties for under-consumption and bonus points, which can be redeemed for useless popular gadgets, for exceeding the minimum requirement.

While introducing the legislation, the Minister for Public Affairs, Mr Joh Bull, claimed that the consumption of so much alcohol will be beneficial to society and to everyone. He said that there will be much less violence and crime because everyone will be so drunk that they won't be able to stand up and fight or commit crimes. There will be no more dangerous driving or road accidents because no-one will be able to stand up long enough to get into, let alone drive, a car.

The Minister also claimed that "It will be of great benefit to the health services, reducing the nation's hospital bill for looking after older people, because no-one will live long enough to get old!" He explained that everyone will die young and anyway will be in no condition to avail themselves of any medical treatment. "The savings in the cost of medical care and the great increase in duty collected on all the alcohol being consumed will allow us to balance the national budget and to provide more privileges for politicians and other deserving people." he said.

Manufacturers of alcoholic drinks lauded the new legislation saying that it will put Australia at the forefront of socially important and useful progress, and bring in a new period of prosperity. They added that the huge profits resulting from the increase in consumption of alcoholic drinks would be of great benefit to them and the nation.

A representative of Alcoholics Unanimous, who was too drunk to remember his own name, said that the new legislation was welcomed by his organisation. He said, while trying to stand up straight and focus on this reporter, "It will make everyone drunkards just like us and so will stop people looking down on us as social outcasts."

Comment was not available from representatives of organisations against alcohol consumption, who were apparently crying uncontrollably in their cups of tea.


Copyright © Rod Pitcher 2016

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