Written by M.S. Donovan
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Topics: Hell, Property

Tuesday, 5 December 2006

image for Hell's Residents Complain of Gentrification
Property prices are astronomical

Hard-working, traditional sinners are being priced out of Hell by incoming white-collar criminals, according to residents of the once undesirable neighbourhood.

Jim Bishop, a lifelong wifebeater, who recently committed suicide after blowing his redundancy pay-off on three weeks of alcohol, gambling and whores, leaving his long-suffering wife and neglected children to cover the funeral expenses, declared himself unhappy at these developments. "My whole family´s been in the 7th circle for generations, I've been sinning my whole life, and had my eye on a place here for a while, but when I kick it I find I'm priced out of the area."

Bishop´s planned home recently had a "significant" downpayment put on it, ironically by a non-executive director of his former company, whose bonus derived in part from recent cost-cutting measures, including Bishop´s redundancy, was used to fund the "disappearance" of a deceased escort girl on a recent business trip.

Long-term resident the Marquis de Sade bemoaned the changing face of Hell. "It used to be full of artists, creative types, people who liked to fight and fuck more than they ought to... now it´s these yuppies wearing sweatshop produced clothes and conflict diamonds. That place over there, that used to be a pretty horrific boiling vat of oil, now it´s a Starbucks." In defence of this, recent newcomer Ken Lay points out that the wi-fi connection is "intolerably slow" and the last time he was in there his "goddam' latte took about 20 minutes to arrive, and then when it did, it burnt my fucking tongue".

What does all this mean for blue-collar sinners like Jim Bishop? "Well, it looks like I'm going to have to commute in from somewhere like Swindon or Chelmsford. Apparently the journey´s hellish".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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