Written by The Viking
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Saturday, 29 August 2015

image for Amish Man Banned For Inappropriate Hat Choice

Forced to leave the only world he knew behind, Joseph Schullermann was banished from his Amish community after he was caught sporting an unsanctioned non-traditional type hat.

When asked about his blatant disregard for the rules of his brethren, Schullermann was quick to say that his reasons were purely of a practical nature. The hat itself, although not made in the traditional Amish noir bold, still retained the traditional shape just made with cross-hatched straw which is better suited to the hot weather of the summer. Despite Schullermanns logical solution to an age old problem in the Amish community, he still is in breach of the very stringent ideals established by his forefathers with regards to modesty. "It starts with the see through hats, then its brown khakis with a leather belt, what's next? Tie dye shirts and dress pants? Where does it end?" Exclaimed one boisterous Amish Frau.

Always viewed as somewhat of a wild-card by the community, former friend Isaac Schaust said he wasn't surprised by the verdict. "The man was always showing up to church in miss-matched socks." Just last Friday, at Abraham Stroheim's barn raising, out for everyone to see, Schullermann was reportedly scantily dressed, wearing nothing but a shirt, hat and suspender-less pants! It's just appalling!" Exclaimed Schaust.

Schullermanns, transgressions have put him at odds with his community and mere shunning was deemed not a severe enough punishment according to the Amish high council. Banishment was seen as the only way to protect the younger generation from picking up on the see-through hat trend some fear will lead to promiscuity and other abhorrent sins of the flesh.

Schullermann says he is ready for whatever the future has in store for him. With no intentions of trying to appeal his case to the high council, Schullermann feels this is the push he needed to finally realize his dream of opening a haberdashery. As for the community he left behind there appears to be no love loss as they have already sold his belongings and lined up suitors to marry off his former wife.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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