BRANDON, MB-Local college boy Brent Simmons admitted Monday that the true identity of the woman he calls his mother, one Shirley Simmons, is actually his 45 year old mistress; a cougar named Diamond Foulfish.
The relationship according to Simmons, began in high-school, where a desperate man eating Foulfish would stalk her prey. "I never felt like a victim" explains Simmons, "back then I looked to the mature ladies for their experience and wisdom in the bedroom."
One day, after school, Foulfish slowly approached Simmons walking home from school. Simmons claims she rolled down the window of her Oldsmobile and gesturing to herself said "come with me boy and all this can be yours." "The rest is history" claims Simmons, who was able to explain being picked up after school by his cougar girlfriend, by claiming that the drunken wino was actually his mother.
It was when Brent started attending college that his secret became more difficult to conceal. "I just thought Brent's mom was pretty cool, hell! She could drink us all under the table." Claimed college buddy Rod Besser. Brent's other friends were less understanding finding it to be odd behavior for a man to bring his own mother with him to Friday night beer pong competitions. Things got really awkward when Brent's roommate Kyle passed Diamond in the hallway wearing nothing but a towel. "The skank passed by me on her way to the shower and I knew Brent was already in there." When the two stepped out of the shower half naked, the jig was up.
Brent decided to come clean about his hoax to his friends and family. Simmons own mother was appalled by the impostor stating, "I bet that hoe don't even bake!"
Despite leaving a trail of dubious family and friends in his wake, Brent insisted on his personal privacy and refused to divulge the future of his relationship with Diamond. However, eyewitness accounts have spotted the two together at "The 40." A night life establishment where Brent's reputation with the cougar culture there has been quoted as "legendary."