In a surprise move today The Federal Aviation Administration and Homeland Security joined forces to unilaterally deny domestic air space clearance to the traditional Christmas Eve sleigh ride by Santa Claus.
Santa's ride has been bringing joy and happiness to millions of children for generations. Irate parents worldwide are said to be absolutely distraught. "Who's going to eat the milk and cookies for a start?" asked one parent.
Homeland Security has said that any penetration into American air space will be considered an act of aggression as part of their duty in keeping American airspace and borders safe. A spokesman from Homeland Security told us, "We just can't have every jolly, rosy cheeked, white haired fruitcake in the world flying around American air space unsupervised."
FAA are scratching their heads about where to begin certifying Santa's sleigh as safe for flight. There are no standards regulating the stability and performance of reindeer, also the FAA simply don't know how to inspect a machine which, in their minds, "totally defies the laws of physics".
The FAA will consider granting clearance if all FAA regulations are met. Here are a few:
- As a powered aircraft, Santa's sleigh requires a proper licensed propulsion system (Reindeer fed on magic dust are not mentioned in the regs and can't be used).
- A signle red light at the lead of the pack of reindeer does not constitute a set of running lights
- The Sleigh must have a valid maintenance certificate and must meet aerodynamic requirements and be tested in a wind-tunnel.
- Detailed flight plans must be plotted and submitted to the FAA at least six months in advance Santa Claus is said to be very upset by the reaction from these US agencies and feels the actions are a direct violation of the Children's basic human rights.
Homeland Security laid down the following ultimatum to Santa Claus, "If we see any flying sleighs in the skies over America you can bet you bottom dollar there'll be a F-16 with sidewinders blasting it outta the sky."
From the desk of
Buck E. Filbert
Dec 2 2006