London - A trail of steaming cow pats around Buckingham Palace has been traced to Prince Philip on his 94th birthday.
The bonkers consort of Elizardbirth Vagina has long been suspected of disseminating bovine spongiform encephalitis and other farmyard ordure after catching a dose of the pox from the Old Queen Mum.
Flunkies once caught him completely stark naked sitting on his mother-in-law's face while playing the bagpipes - an image said to still haunt the Duchess of Malfi's colostomy bag and matching cowhide condom.
"That's when the suppurating pustules started oozing, Your Majesty," the Lord Chamberlain Lord Luce-Cannon reported.
"Totally foxed ye royal apothecaries' rants."
The prince will spend his birthday confined to private quarters and await undertakers' starters orders like what he's been told.