Written by Harry Klondike
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Sunday, 7 June 2015

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Tamara Rodriguez knew she could go into labor at any moment; but that wasn't about to keep her away from the glamorous Female Leadership in Real Estate Award gala at a fancy banquet hall in Los Angeles last Tuesday. Having seven children at home with an eighth on the way- it was her last chance for some fancy festivities.

As Mrs. Rodriguez explains, "My boss gave me the extra ticket. I was so excited. My tummy was hurting but they had served the first course so I just thought I could silently pass gas at the table and everything would be fine. Then the pain subsided and everything was fine till I had a sharp pain and my sweet 'Jose was born!"

Others describe the event differently. The chef, Jérémie Bettencourt said, "The lights were dim as the key note speaker was addressing the audience. One of my waiters pointed to a woman with a contorted face knelling out of her chair half way under the table skirt. I went over and at 6 meters away my olfactory senses were overcome with a multitude of distressing aromas. It was a smell so metallic and volatile that it nearly caused me to regurgitate. Still, I continued my approach. Before I reached the table, gasps and screams filled the room, no doubt fueled by shock and revulsion! When I reached the sickening scene I saw lots of blood, gore, and something so earthy that I cant bring myself to say what it was!"

Savanna King, a very classy lady about 60 years of age wasn't afraid to fill in the rest; "that grotesque vulgar slattern didn't just give birth to a baby she shit in the floor too! Then she took the placenta, wrapped it in a couple of cloth napkins and handed it off to a waitress who then fainted! I was 2 seats away and couldn't believe my eyes! It was one of my napkins she used to wrap the after birth in too! I nearly panicked but kept remembering that I'd be on a plane back to Connecticut the next day and that kept me calm... that and the Xanax! This is the last trip I'll ever take to this wretched 3rd world city!"

Not everyone has been as harsh to judge, which has many five star restaurants concerned. There is currently a push from a feminist group called "The Valiant Vulvas" to have a birth-in at elite restaurants in major cities throughout the U.S. Some doctors have confirmed an increased request in Los Angeles and Manhattan for vials of oxytocin, a drug commonly used intravenously to induce labor. "We don't need this kind of organized event to prove any point" said Laura Jensen Psy.D. who specializes in women's issues. "They're trying to somehow link this to the right to breast feed in public- it's just not even in the same ball park where civil liberties are concerned."

As for Tamara she's just happy to have a healthy baby and has this parting statement, "I studied for 7 years trying to get my Certified Nursing Assistant thing- but decided secretarial work was more rewarding. Just saying that I've studied and seen books and had babies and this is normal and I didn't do anything wrong. I'll never apologize for being a strong happy mother."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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