Written by Chris Hanson
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Friday, 1 December 2006

image for "Erections Anonymous" Members Flee Paris Hilton Naked; Trapped by Britney Spears, Madonna
Canine teeth removed the abnormalities for good

PARIS - Over 200 Canadian Erections Anonymous members fled from the Paris Hilton naked yesterday when a rumor swept the hotel that a nude Katie Holmes had arrived to taunt them, eyewitnesses said.

The men had stripped in a meeting room to undergo aversion therapy aimed at curbing embarrassing, untimely, lingering erections, according to participants. Each time the image of nubile Lindsay Lohan or bare breasted Pamela Anderson appeared on a screen, French sex therapists administered electric shocks via wires attached to participants' penises.

Therapists said in interviews that the treatment might have been effective had they been able to complete it, greatly increasing the intensity of the shocks until the very sight of a comely lass triggered fear, loss of sexual interest, and a willingness to divulge what few state secrets Canada might possess.

Sources said the Katie Holmes rumor had led to panic however, and delegates ripped wires from their penises and stampeded from the room behind a pale-bottom actuary from Alberta, who made a wrong turn and led them into the street.

Coincidentally, Paris Hilton, the celebrity sex symbol, and Britney Spears, the "singer," arrived just then in revealing clothes, each clutching a miniature fluffy poodle bitch, eyewitnesses said. At the sight of the two women, all 200 men came to attention. The actuary and a Clearasil salesman from Vancouver each seized one of the dogs to cover up. Canine teeth removed each man's erection abnormality for good.

This reporter asked French sex therapist Dr. Yves Poissongill, the conference director, to explain how such a series of improbable events could have taken place.

"God was smiLING on Le Spoof," he replied. "La belle PaRHEE, la chic MaDONna.. . Les CanadiENS pathAYTIQUE. Any story you write is cerTAIN to provoke zee -- how you say -- HEETS by zee online reeDAIRS, no?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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