Written by Bradford Slippers
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Topics: Santa, Monkey

Friday, 28 November 2003

image for Man eats monkey as "experiment"
Help. Me.

An unemployed actor from Santa Barbara has been charged with 'malicious injestion' following his admission that he swallowed a monkey. Malcolm Jack-san told reporters outside his house that he "saw some guy eating big worms on TV" and thought it would be "kinda neat" to grow a monkey in his guts.

Authorities were alerted when neighbours of Mr Jack-san complained of "deafening grunts" coming from a small downstairs window in the Jack-san house. "It sounded like somebody trying a push a gibbon through his ring", said Davey Jones, neighbour, and coincidentally, ex-Monkee. Another neighbour, Dwight Tork, commented, "it was a really bad sound. I thought the guy was passing an ape".

As it turns out, Jack-san believed that if he swallowed the monkey whole and let it attach itself to his stomach wall, it could grow up to 15 feet a day and become a world-record gargantuan primate. The plan was fatally flawed, however, as Jack-san hadn't planned an exit route for the captive parasite. "I guess I hadn't thought it through" said Jack-san.

Following a brief court appearance, where Jack-san spoke only to confirm his insanity, the Judge, Mr. John Indeeds, summed up the case as "typical", before climbing into a waiting ambulance. Local prosecutor, Sheriff Ganges said he was "delighted" with the verdict, even though there wasn't one yet.

Mr Jack-san was not available for comment, but issued a statement through his lawyer saying he was "incredibly upset" by the stories and added that he would "never swallow a monkey", even though everyone knew he had.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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