An unemployed actor from Santa Barbara has been charged with 'malicious injestion' following his admission that he swallowed a monkey. Malcolm Jack-san told reporters outside his house that he "saw some guy eating big worms on TV" and thought it would be "kinda neat" to grow a monkey in his guts.
Authorities were alerted when neighbours of Mr Jack-san complained of "deafening grunts" coming from a small downstairs window in the Jack-san house. "It sounded like somebody trying a push a gibbon through his ring", said Davey Jones, neighbour, and coincidentally, ex-Monkee. Another neighbour, Dwight Tork, commented, "it was a really bad sound. I thought the guy was passing an ape".
As it turns out, Jack-san believed that if he swallowed the monkey whole and let it attach itself to his stomach wall, it could grow up to 15 feet a day and become a world-record gargantuan primate. The plan was fatally flawed, however, as Jack-san hadn't planned an exit route for the captive parasite. "I guess I hadn't thought it through" said Jack-san.
Following a brief court appearance, where Jack-san spoke only to confirm his insanity, the Judge, Mr. John Indeeds, summed up the case as "typical", before climbing into a waiting ambulance. Local prosecutor, Sheriff Ganges said he was "delighted" with the verdict, even though there wasn't one yet.
Mr Jack-san was not available for comment, but issued a statement through his lawyer saying he was "incredibly upset" by the stories and added that he would "never swallow a monkey", even though everyone knew he had.