Written by Chris Hanson
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Friday, 1 December 2006

image for Naked Paris Hilton, Nude Britney Spears Veg Out As Lohan Protests Cheney Execution

LONDON - Bound to a chair in front of a stone wall outside Buckingham Palace, Dick Cheney shook his black-hooded head, evidently refusing to utter any last words.

A nude Britney Spears and a naked Paris Hilton stood among the official observers, both chattered away on their cell phones just 10 yards away from this and other reporters.

Pamela Anderson looked pensively at the figure in the chair and snapping her chewing gum. It was probably the first time she had attended the execution of an American vice president by a British firing squad arranged by Washington as penance for a fiasco in Iraq.

At the snarl of a sergeant major, a 13-man firing party marched into place to the sound of pipes and drums, filmed by dozens of news crews. An officer shouted, "Make ready!"

Silence descended. All one could hear was the scratch of pens on notebook pages, the sound of one's own breathing, and the voices of Spears and Hilton: "As IFFF . . . For REAL? . . . You THINK? . . . Like, whatEV . . ."

There was a roll of drums. "Take aim!," the officer bellowed.

A high pitched shriek cut the air. "No! No!" Actress Lindsay Lohan burst from the covey of official observers, leapt a barrier, and dove onto Cheney, wrapping her legs around him, then turning to address the marksmen. "Stop! Stop! No more killing!"

Through her shouts, we in the press box could hear Hilton and Spears on their cells: "Like WOW . . . FASHION city! . . . He DEFINITELY has the eQUIPment!" Anderson, by contrast, dashed to join Lohan and they stood hip to hip blocking the target, their low cut garments flapping in a rising breeze.

Lohan fumbled with the ropes binding Cheney. Anderson ripped the hood from his head.

Gasps! The condemned man bore no resemblance to Vice President Cheney. It was Harry Whittington, the 79-year-old Republican loyalist Cheney had shot in the face and chest in a Texas quail hunting accident on February 13, 2006. Press cameras clicked and whirred.

Judging by the officr's next commands, the execution was off. "Port arms! Right shoulder, ARMS! Right FACE! ForWARD MARch!" The sergeant major took up the cadence, and the firing party, in perfect step, disappeared through an arched doorway. Lohan, Anderson, Hilton and Spears dove into waiting limos and sped away as murmurs of confusion swept the audience. The officer strode up to the reporters and news cameras, Whittington bobbing meekly behind.

"Look here, I'm Major Clive St. John St. Clair [he pronounced the name 'sinjun sinclair'] of the Coldshower Guards. It seems we have been caught out and I must put you lot fully in the picture," the officer said.

"Washington understood our chaps were bitter at having been led to defeat in Iraq through no fault of their own. Many of our troopers blamed Vice President Cheney, seeing him as the ventriloquist behind President Bush. Our men wanted Cheney to pay the ultimate price."

"Mr. Cheney was not willing to cooperate, however, and the White House proposed that we secretly substitute Mr. Whittington, concealing his face. For the sake of British military morale, our Defense Ministry agreed. This was very hush-hush, of course. Not even the firing party knew the truth."

Reporters turned to Whittington, asking why he had agreed to sacrifice himself.

"Because I am an American patriot. I changed my name to 'Dick Cheney' to avoid misleading anyone, by the way," he replied. "I apologized to Mr. Cheney for getting shot by his gun in that quail hunt, and today I want to apologize for not getting shot. I'm really sorry, Mr. Vice President."

Cheney could not be reached for comment. The White House said he was in a "secure, undisclosed location."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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