Written by K.C. Bell
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Sunday, 1 March 2015

image for Vladimir Putin Announces Boris Nemtsov Committed Suicide

After a lengthy ten hour investigation pursuing thousands of clues, tips and accusations, Russia's Prime Minister Vladimir Putin announced that the former Deputy Prime Minister under Boris Yeltsin, Boris Nemtsov, committed suicide by shooting himself in the back four times.

Critics immediately questioned the results of the investigation by suggesting that the performance of such an act would be a stretch to say the least.

It was indeed a stretch, Putin agreed, and easily added that Nemtsov was known to be double jointed, ambidextrous, an excellent shot, depressed because he couldn't get to first base with a six foot Russian model, was suffering from indigestion and heartburn after having dinner with the same six foot model, yada, yada, yada.

In Buckingham Palace, Queen Elizabeth was overheard asking her gentleman in waiting: Did he really say, 'yada, yada, yada'?

The Queen was assured that Mr. Putin had indeed used the 'yada' phrase.

Mr. Putin went on to explain that if the snowplow on the street hadn't momentarily stopped next to Mr. Nemtsov, blocking the view of the surveillance camera, the complete picture of Mr. Nemtsov suicide would have been validated.

Knowing that Alexander Litinenko, a critic of Mr. Putin was poisoned with polonium while having afternoon tea at the Millennium Hotel in London, a reporter pursued the line of questioning by asking: Why was the snowplow in the street to begin with since there wasn't any snow?

Mr. Putin shrugged and replied, glancing down at his fingernails: Snow happens! There is no grassy knoll in Russia.

In the White House, President Barack Obama was overheard asking his chief of staff: Did he really say, 'No grassy knoll in Russia'?

The chief of staff assured the president.

While the Putin representative having afternoon tea with Alexander Litvinenko at the Millennium Hotel was eventually promoted to the Russian Duma, (an act similar to appointing a political assassin to the House of Lords) it appears clear that this time, there will not be any promotions to the Duma since it has been established beyond a reasonable doubt that Mr. Nemtsov committed suicide.

Case closed

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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