Written by B. Twain Folderol
Rating:
Share/Bookmark
Print this

Tuesday, 17 February 2015

(London) - Numerous sources have now independently confirmed that Rupert Murdoch will marry Sarah Palin this September in the Grand Duchy of Luxembourg.

While Mr. Murdoch's divorce from Wendi Deng in 2013 was front-page news worldwide, few were aware until now that Ms. Palin secretly divorced her husband Todd immediately following the 2008 U.S. Presidential election.

The Daily Torygraph is now reporting that the wedding ceremony alone will span nearly four full days, from the 2nd through the 5th of September. All the citizens of Luxembourg - excepting horsemen, caterers, valets and event staff - have been asked to leave the country during the four-day service, granting the couple unrestricted privacy. The entire celebration will be produced by the world renown firm Farriner, Pudding & Bloodworth.

Mr. Murdoch and Ms. Palin first met at his Carmel Valley ranch during an exclusive retreat honoring General Augusto Pinochet; it was at this very retreat that Murdoch's then-wife Wendi began her well-documented affair with Prime Minister Tony Blair, also in attendance. The tabloids have long speculated about an unnamed woman Murdoch had turned to for solace following the discovery of his wife's infidelities. Murdoch himself had frequently hinted that he was involved only "cerebrally" with a "gal of extraordinary genius, a valiant, upright, impeccably mannered and decidedly moral…frontierswoman." But he never explicitly named the person.

Transcripts of wiretaps inadvertently released by former News of the World investigators revealed that Ms. Palin became pregnant with Mr. Murdoch's child during her vice presidential bid; the pregnancy mysteriously concluded soon after Murdoch purchased Roussel-Uclaf, the French pharmaceutical maker of RU-486.

Mr. Murdoch convened a Preparation Committee to recommend and plan all facets of both the nuptials and the gala reception; the committee is composed of: Sir Paul McCartney & Heather Mills, Donald & Ivana Trump, Sansa Stark & Lord Baelish, Kim Kardashian & Kanye West, Wayne Rooney & Coleen McLoughlin, and Cersei & Jaime Lannister.

Following the public release of the couple's plans, Ms. Palin broke her silence, declaring to FOX News, "I realize people will talk and smirk and say this is a Mayday-December romance, but for those who know their geography, they know that May often is December, depending on which hemisphere you are in, such as when it is autumn Down-Under it is actually springtime in Alaska. So, no, yes, we don't care what others in the lame-stream will think; we expect to be overjoyed. Happy as Henry VI and Margaret of Anjou, happier than Charles II and Catherine de Braganza, as content as Edward II and Isabella….So, you see science knowledge is not my only good subject, I'm also quite familiar with the history of the Ignited Kingdom."

Work has already begun at St. Paul's Cathedral, which is to be dismantled, shipped to Luxembourg and reconstructed onsite for the wedding ceremony. Invitations for the affair are being produced by LucasWorks, reputed to be full-scale 3-D holograms; over 16,000 guests will be flown in by a fleet of private jets; the bridal suite has been booked at an estimated rate of $250,000 a night. Planners have secured half a million dollars worth of flowers, and $200,000 worth of fireworks.

Ms. Palin's wedding dress, the product of a collaboration between designers Mauro Adami, Yumi Katsura, Levi Strauss and master jeweler Martin Katz, will be made of French Chantilly, English Cluny lace, ivory and white satin gazar, and will contain two thousand miniature pearls, three hundred-fifty diamonds, as well as gold and platinum accents. Her 59-foot train of ivory taffeta and antique lace will require nineteen bridesmaids to handle. She will be wearing a 22-pound crystal tiara which will be guided by a set of micro-thin cables attached to an overhead roller-track, managed by a specially trained 'tender-crane' operator. Thirty-three 6-foot high wedding cakes have been ordered, each with an original design, and each backed up with a duplicate cake made in case of any unfortunate breakdowns. Performers at the reception will include Celine Dion, Cliff Richard, The Beach Boys, Ted Nugent and Meat Loaf.

The festivities will be carried live on British Sky Broadcasting; all other BSkyB programming over the four-day period will be pre-empted. The couple says they expect a global audience of approximately 3.2 billion.

An impressive finale is planned for the event, in which all the wedding guests will be given parting gifts: among which will be a gold-plated Ruger Varminter K1 rifle. And then - as the couple bid a fond farewell and depart in their landau carriage - handlers will sound a gong and release a hand-selected crop of animals for the guests to pursue to their delight: grey wolves, polar bears, elk, black rhinos, mountain gorillas, Sumatran elephants and, for the children, leatherback turtles.

A honeymoon is planned for Venice, where all the citizens have been asked to leave for the month.

Mr. Murdoch has signaled his plans to devote a significant band of British Sky Broadcasting to Palin-centered programming when the couple returns from their honeymoon. All signs indicate that there will be at least one 24-hour Palin channel, perhaps as many as three.

Ms. Palin has also reportedly taken an interest in acting, and has put together a troupe which will tour the States in 2016; the troupe consists of herself, Gary Busey, Mel Gibson, Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan.

Geraldo Rivera caught up with Ms. Palin during a recent event promoting her children's book on Lee Harvey Oswald Mosley, and in an exclusive interview asked, "People want to know Sarah…what's all that scribbled on your palm there?"

"Oh, those? That? Well…uh, wedding vows. Come on, Gerard. No gal wants to forget her lines."

Geraldo concluded by asking, "Now, please pardon me - I know it's a sensitive question, but do you foresee more children in the household?"

The future Mrs. Murdoch answered with glee, "Gosh, Rupert's not done just yet. Oh, no, yes, we will having many, many more children. Ya know, enough for a basketball team…or an empire."

Make B. Twain Folderol's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!


More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 2 plus 1?

1 8 3 25
28 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more