Written by Auntie Jean
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Wednesday, 4 February 2015

image for Jesus Wants You For A Sunbeam - First 10,000 Applicants Only For Time Being
Quantitative Easing To Enable Extra Sunbeam Releases

Jesus wants people for sunbeams again on an interim basis according to a message received by the Archdeacon of Scunthorpe, Dr. Godfrey Gordon Gustavus Gore.

The Archdeacon has a private communication system which he accesses by putting his ear to a radiator in the choirboys changing room of Scunthorpe Cathedral.

Jesus has allegedly told Archdeacon Godfrey Gordon Gustavus Gore that he is saddened by everyone's post Christmas depression and is making available 10,000 more sunbeams by quantitative easing.

A special allocation of 8,000 will go directly to Wales which is more depressing than anywhere else. Over the past three years, Archdeacon Godfrey Gordon Gustavus Gore says that Jesus's researchers analysed more than 2 million tweets posted by Britons in January looking for negative language and phrases indicating a drop in mood.

They found that yesterday, there were nearly five times the average number of tweets relating to guilt, as people abandoned their promises to pursue a healthier lifestyle.

The analysis, by drinks company "Plastered", also found complaints about the weather were six times higher than usual - and that men were feeling more miserable than women.

Monday was dubbed Divorce Monday by legal experts. It was the most popular day of the year for starting divorce proceedings. and February is the busiest divorce month, with twice as many divorces being filed as the second most popular month, September.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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