CYBERSPACE - It was reported today in cyberspace by undisclosed news sources that a band of small planets known as The Socialists Coalition for Public and Free Satire (SCPFS) has declared war on the evil empire, the Onion. For the first time ever, war has officially been declared on the warring "Death Star."
In the past, the "Death Star's" perpetrations have been pointed to indirectly through omission. But leaders of Coalition forces site its propensity toward capitalism as it's primary fault and offense and say that Coalition forces would be relentless in their pursuit to destroy the star's magnetic field, then the star itself.
"To begin with, we must break through it's first line of defense which are it's fleet of "Imprisonment Fighters," said Captain G. Erik. "Then, we should be able to penetrate it's infrastructure and hardware."
No word was declared on how many fighters it was going to take to bring down the infamous "Death Star," but leaders of the Coalition estimate that they'll need several hundred.
"We're going to have to work smart on this operation," Captain King said. "Satire of the truly free world is at stake."
For many years, leaders of the "Death Star" have used their wit and irony to intimidate smaller planets, but no more. Now, there is rebellion. The Coalition is organized.
"No more will we see the pedigree of paradox, the private school of parody, the Penn State of the Big 10 intimidate smaller planets. Blue-bloods and ivy leaguers cannot survive in a universe sprinkled with such diversity. The mutt is always going to come out on top," Captain King said.
Sales of Onion T-shirts and hats with the Onion logo on it will no longer be true. Instead, they will have to compost the old ones and feature new ones with an explosion and the caption, "The Weeping Onion."
Say "Goodbye" guys.