Written by Auntie Matter
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Monday, 15 December 2014

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Ding-Dong-Woo at work.

The cyber-attack on the Sony's computer network on 25 November 2014 originated from North Korea. The intrepid hacker, hitherto unknown, put on line the script of the latest Bond movie SPECTRE currently still in production.

The Bond leak has the potential to hit the studio very hard. It's last film Skyfall brought in $1.1bn (£700m) worldwide - more than any other film in the series. It is estimated, as a result of the hacking, the film will now cost $300m (£180m), making it the most expensive Bond film ever.

"NO KIDDIN'", Hollywood's newest film mag, obtained an exclusive interview with North Korean Hacker Ding-Dong-Woo, lecturer in IT at The Pyongyang University of Science and Technology.

Reporter Ben N. Dunnit talked to Ding by Skype and put the following questions to him...

Ben: "Why did you hack into Sony's computer network."
Ding: Why birds fry?
Ben: You are not answering my question.
Ding: You not repry my kweshton! Why birds fry? Birds fry because birds can... Okay?
Ben: So you hacked into the system... just because you could?
Ding: That onry part reason, iriot! I hack becoz... Horrywood make fun of our irrustrious reader Kim Jong-un.
Ben: Tit for tat?
Ding: What sex gotta with it...? Bruddy iriot!
Ben: No, Mister Woo... I meant revenge. You did it for revenge.
Ding: No! That onry part reason ahso.
Ben: Who are you calling an asshole?
Ding: I not caw you ahso! I tell you reo reason. I hack because Danyo Cray not reo James Bond. Reeeooo James Bond is Shong Connererrrreee. Shong shave every singo day. Shong wear tie to work ahso.
Ben: Pardon?
Ding: Cray onry Weshtern hoodrum. Me no rike. Wife no rike. Kim Jong-un no rike. Nooooobody rike... bruddy iriot!

So, there you have it. Spectre was scuppered by an IT lecturer from Pyongyang who had a number of reasons for his crime; not least of which was an inherent loathing for Daniel Craig's portrayal of James Bond and a hankering for a return of Sean Connery in the role. He will be presented with a medal of honour by his leader Kim Jong-un next Tuesday.

Sean Connery has been asked by the North Korean government to star in a film of the event... in which he will play Ding-Dong-Woo. He has refused to comment, but friends say he is considering it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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