Written by joseph k winter
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Sunday, 23 November 2014

image for ISIS leader commits self-immolation to initiate new beheading program throughout jihadis across the middle east
Be sure to keep the knife blade clean and remove any rust prior to.

In a surprising new development, Mr. Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi of the Islamic State (aka IS/ISIS) has come forth with a program titled "put a sack in your sacrifice" aimed at jihadis waging holy war across the region.

This has involved a maneuver in the kitchen of his apartment in Mosul, with a "slice and dice" instruction guide rumored to be the work of Osama bin Laden back in the cave days of Afghanistan.

Mr. al-Baghdadi is apparently no longer thinking of alternate careers such as football with Manchester United or off-Broadway performances in New York.

His oil business with associated chain of gas stations and motels will not be affected.

One of his aides has said the leader believes the act of beheading on the battle field should go all the way in terms of a "holy swap" to show the warrior's dedication to the style of the sixth century.

A key text reads, "The smaller of your two heads is not only honorable but holy. Think with it as you perform the ritual."

One quick slice followed by a poultice of snake innards and bees wax will do it, according to the instruction guide.

The voice test follows. Again in the privacy of the kitchen the novice eunuch can measure elevation of his voice tone from bass to alto and even soprano.

A side benefit is the possibility of serving a choir, although in the female section wearing an abaya, with tiny aperture for the eyes.

Moreover, remnants of the operation may be saved and stored, or sent out on tour as holy artifacts throughout the middle east.

"Warrior jewels," as they are known, tend to bring large crowds to view and worship, as well as be inspired to join the fighting in their local area.

Or, as a growing practice indicates, the rod and pudding apparatus can be kept in an old mayonnaise jar and prayed to daily.

The instruction guide continues.

Whatever, the ceremony is swift and merciful. Be sure to keep the knife blade clean and remove any rust prior to.

Lock the door and play Farabi or anything from the Uruk period (3000 BC) at high volume to protect your privacy.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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