Written by Auntie Matter
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Thursday, 13 November 2014

image for Spacecraft Philae's First Words Back to Earth
"Take me home!" (Philae)

Dr. Isaac Dreamflogger, leading the successful Rosetta Mission to land a spacecraft on Comet 67P orbiting 310 million miles from earth has taken questions on the mighty achievement at a news conference in London. This is the first conference to be held about the historic mission.

Mothership Rosetta took off from earth ten years ago and has traveled 8.4 billion miles. That is 8.399999999999 billion miles more, says the New York Times, than George W. Bush jogged in his entire lifetime which is twice as far as Elvis Presley travelled in an average month from his bedroom to the fridge says Weightwatcher's Anonymous.

Said Dr. Dreamflogger; "We can now tell you that Philae has on board the most sophisticated communicative computer equipment then available. Philae, in fact, thanks to Japanese expertise in the field of robotic technology can simulate very accurately human responses to her environment on the basis of the vast amount of information she gathers. She has been talking to us."

After a minute's applause had subsided Paddy O'Flynn, reporter for the Irish Times asked:

"And wot Sur, if ye don't mind me askin' Sur, has she be sayin' to ya?"

"I'm sorry but that is classified. We are hoping she will help us gain insight into the evolution of the universe."

"And wot Sur, if the universe didn't actually evolve by your understanding of dat wurd? After all, it is still a theory isn't it? Wot den?"

"Next question, please."

Nigel Brandedson of London's Telegraph managed to get his question in ahead of the ensuing confusion:

"Can you tell us what Philae's first words back to earth were?" he yelled.

Dr. Isaac appeared visibly flustered on hearing the question, but after conferring with his colleagues on the bench, replied:

"Yes.. She said...er... "Please... somebody... take me home.""

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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