London - The Queen nearly had a fatal seizure today when a colony of mutant Belgian parasitic Arion vulgaris slugs leaped out at her 'from inside the sods' as she opened a Remembrance garden created with soil from Belgian First World War battlefields.
Accompanied by the Duke of Edinburgh and Archduke Ferdinand Her Maj was just chatting to the King of the Belgians when she noticed 'something crawling through the compost'.
And no, this time it wasn't Charles.
"How the hell did the bastards get in here?" Prince Philip shouted as hundreds of huge slimy yellow slugs began oozing their way from under the woodchip mulch.
"EU freedom of movement, Philip," the Old Girl snarled, "all part of the Common Agricultural Policy."
The service of dedication then came to a rapid halt as the massed Bands of the Grenadier Guards and the State Trumpeters of the Household Cavalry played Pushing Up Daisies.
Princess Anus is 69.